07-13-2012, 04:55 AM
Hi Alex! This was a most enjoyable read with a well-sustained voice across the three sections. Section I reminds me of the many arts degree conversations I'd have with my fellow political-activist-neophytes, and though I suspect I'm missing some clever references due to different continents, it's sufficiently satirical to cross oceans. I wonder if "dark skinned chocolate" is not a bit too heavy-handed? Seems you could do without "skinned" as it gets in the way of the metaphor, at least to my reading. Love "working class bungalow men who mistake genius for candy corn" (I believe the reverse would also be true!). Have you thought about putting you're so sweet in italics? Quotation marks wouldn't work, given you use them in an entirely different way.
Part II is bitter, sad, resigned, resentful -- "white on bog water" is a brilliant phrase. Do you mean "retch" (as in vomit) instead of "wretch"?
"playing it safe until you recognize Charlie O under your fingernails
until you realize the smell is indescribable" -- it may be important for some reason I don't know about, but these lines seem superfluous to me. It could just be the use of recognize/realize, which aren't giving strong images at all.
The final strophe of that section is especially good, it gives me a shiver every time I read it.
In section III, love (hate?) "half-drunk mourning's half-drunk sick", it's a fantastic phrase with those homophonic twists. I do think the very last sentence is more prosaic than I'd expect and could be tightened up, but of course it also has the effect of closing off the poetry entirely, which could be viewed as a metaphor in itself.
Thanks very much for the read, I'm sorry I don't have enough time to go over this in more detail.
Part II is bitter, sad, resigned, resentful -- "white on bog water" is a brilliant phrase. Do you mean "retch" (as in vomit) instead of "wretch"?
"playing it safe until you recognize Charlie O under your fingernails
until you realize the smell is indescribable" -- it may be important for some reason I don't know about, but these lines seem superfluous to me. It could just be the use of recognize/realize, which aren't giving strong images at all.
The final strophe of that section is especially good, it gives me a shiver every time I read it.
In section III, love (hate?) "half-drunk mourning's half-drunk sick", it's a fantastic phrase with those homophonic twists. I do think the very last sentence is more prosaic than I'd expect and could be tightened up, but of course it also has the effect of closing off the poetry entirely, which could be viewed as a metaphor in itself.
Thanks very much for the read, I'm sorry I don't have enough time to go over this in more detail.
It could be worse