Fingal's Cave

[Erthona]

.


v2
Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year the same as just one day,
and listen to the echoes play
and while away, and while away.

Let us talk of gods now gone,
although their stories linger on,
and let us sing their ancient song
at Fingal's Cave, and while away.

On silver road they come again,
fright'ning off all lesser men,
but we embrace them as our kin,
in Fingal's Cave, and while away.

And if our friends ask where we play,
then tell them we are with the Fey,
for in their world we choose to stay,
and while away, and while away.

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Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year the same as just one day,
and listen to the echoes play
and while away, and while away.

Let us talk of gods now gone,
although their stories linger on,
and let us sing their ancient song
at Fingal's Cave, and while away.

On silver road they come again,
frightening off all lesser men,
but we embrace them as our kin,
in Fingal's Cave, and while away.

And if friends ask where do we play,
tell them we are with the Fey,
for in their world we choose to stay,
and while away, and while away.


©2012 –Erthona

[billy]

at first i thought it irish based then i remembered Mendelssohn's concert of the same name which i think is based on somewhere along the scottish coast. i probably thought irish because of the filim; finnigans wake

.
Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year the same as just one day, i like the feeling this evokes.
and listen to the echoes play
and while away, and while away.

Let us talk of gods now gone,
although their stories linger on,
and let us sing their ancient song
at Fingul’s Cave, and while away. the refrain is smooth

On silver road they come again,
frightening off all lesser men,
but we embrace them as our kin,
in Fingul’s Cave, and while away.

And if friends ask where do we play,
tell them we are with the Fey, really good tie in to the cave and the content of the poem as whole.
for in their world we choose to stay,
and while away, and while away.


©2012 –Erthona

it reads very weak yet feels stronger than the sum of it's parts. the refrain is excellent and lilting as something that pertains to folk lore should seem to be. i like that you didn't inundate it with fairy folk and such. i really want to fault it because, well just because, but in truth i love it. it would make a cracking little folk song.

on yet another read of it; my sentiments are the same but i wonder if an odd image or two would enhance it.
thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

Thanks Billy

" i wonder if an odd image or two would enhance it."

Maybe, but it is already so tightly packed I'd probably need to add another stanza and I don't think I can justify that, plus implying it is probably more effective than trying to describe it...afterall, I haven't spent much time there :p

Dale

[Philatone]

hey dale!

.
Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year the same as just one day,
and listen to the echoes play
and while away, and while away.

Let us talk of gods now gone,
although their stories linger on,
and let us sing their ancient song
at Fingul’s Cave, and while away.

On silver road they come again,
frightening off all lesser men,
but we embrace them as our kin,
in Fingul’s Cave, and while away.

And if friends ask where do we play, ...no other line felt as forced as this to me; that "do" threw me off a bit
tell them we are with the Fey,
for in their world we choose to stay,
and while away, and while away.


©2012 –Erthona

not a lot of comments on the lines themselves. I think billy made a fine point; the sum of the parts is greater than the actual pieces used. it has a pretty good flow, a nice little sinister quality to it, especially with the close. I liked

[addy]

A good, solid piece. It shouldn't really be overtly eerie, on first blush, but you made excellent use of echoing form to give it this dark scale. I've never heard of Fingal's cave, so I googled it. Wow. I thought you did a great job with this

[tectak]

A good, solid piece. It shouldn't really be overtly eerie, on first blush, but you made excellent use of echoing form to give it this dark scale. I've never heard of Fingal's cave, so I googled it. Wow. I thought you did a great job with this

I've never heard of Fingul's cave...so I googled. Neither had Mr. Google

Sorry about that....got a bit carried away with the sun shining.
I'll get back to erthona, now, addy

[don miguel]

A nicely crafted piece, Erthona; reminds me of early Yeats. The ballad form seems appropriately chosen for the subject: simple, but effective. I particularly enjoyed stanza 2. Perhaps starting each line with a capital letter would also work. (I also hear – wholly unintentional, I'm sure – Eliot's 'Prufrock' in this: 'Let us go then, you and I'; and the 'Let us talk' reminds me of the women 'talking of Michelangelo'.)

Anyway, just a few minor suggestions / observations: Why do change the spelling of 'Fingal' half way through? (The first two are 'Fingal'; but 'Fingul' thereafter.)

I found line 2 a bit ambiguous for such an otherwise simple poem; perhaps swapping lines 2 and 3 would work, with a bit more clarity to the present line 2. I'm not sure if it means that the children haven't visited in a year (but it feels to them like a day); or that a day feels like a year while they're playing there; or that a human year is like a day to the ancient cave. It kind of works as it stands, but it slowed me down a lot while I tried to work out which meaning was intended.

I wonder if you need the repetition of 'and while away' at the end of each stanza, or if you could just end with a short line, eg. on the first 'while away' (stanza 1); or 'Fingal's cave' (stanzas 2 and 3); but maybe keep the repetition in the last stanza, Robert Frost-like?

I agree that something more visual or tactile would improve things. How can you have a poem about Fingal's cave and not mention the weird rock formations? Perhaps (this is a bit radical, but hear me out) cutting stanza 3 and inserting a new stanza 2 with more sensory imagery – kids at play, the gritty rocks in scrabbling hands and feet, the constant wash of the sea, the sense of awe or fear, all that sort of thing – would work, without having to extend the poem.

I found the first two lines in the fourth stanza a bit bumpy as well. I wonder if something like this helps smooth them out:

And if our friends ask where we play,
tell them all we're with the Fey,

And perhaps just 'And frighten off' rather than 'frightening off' (line 2, stanza 3) would work (deleting the comma after 'again' at the end of the previous line as well).

All that said, it's an enjoyable piece regardless, Erthona. Thanks, dm.

[Erthona]

DM,

"Why do change the spelling of 'Fingal' half way through?"

Probably because I am dyslexic and can't spell my way out of a paper bag. Thanks for catching that, I'll change it straight away.
---------------------------------------------
"or that a day feels like a year while they're playing there"

Probably needs a comma so it reads,

Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year, the same as just one day,

But yes, it is somewhat ambiguous as is "a day is as a thousand years". It is meant to create doubt in the reader that if he were to go into the cave for a day, would he come out and find he had been gone for a year. This is typical of fairy places. I suppose you could call it foreshadowing, although that is generally used with prose.
BTW What children?
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I don't general approve of repetitive endings, in this case it is suppose to echo a chant, which is often used as the means for a magic spell. Chanting often allows one to step outside of time. Also it mimics the renowned euphonious echo of this cave. Mendelssohn's "Die Hebriden Overture" Opus 26, was inspired by the weird echoes in the cave (confirmed by Wiki).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3MiETaBSnc

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"How can you have a poem about Fingal's cave and not mention the weird rock formations?"

Describing the cave itself was not my intention, at least not a description of it's physicality, that I am happy to leave to the reader's imagination.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I found the first two lines in the fourth stanza a bit bumpy as well. I wonder if something like this helps smooth them out:
And if our friends ask where we play,
tell them all we're with the Fey,

I like your first line,

"And if our friends ask where we play,"

think I'll use that, thanks, but I think I will stick with my other line.

"And if our friends ask where we play,
tell them we are with the Fey"
-------------------------------------------------------
"And perhaps just 'And frighten off' rather than 'frightening off' (line 2, stanza 3) would work"

That is off. It has to do with how I read "frightening" as two syllables. I meant to change it to

fright'ning off all lesser men,

and forgot about it. Thanks.
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Tom,

Try http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fingal%27s_Cave

Best
--------------------------------------------------------------

Geoff and Addy, Thanks.

Geoff, line fixed thanks to DM suggestion.
--------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for all the comments,

Oh Yes. I generally write meter more by feel than strict meter, so while I strive to stay with the iambic tetrameter, I am not averse to having the occasional half foot where it makes the reading smoother (this is a historical practice among poets). To me line smoothness is much more important than whether it has two syllables per foot, and I thank you Geoff and DM for making your comments about line smoothness and not feet count. Nothing so irritates me as an anal retentive poet as I am more than capable of counting to two :p

Thanks again,

I rather liked this one myself.

Dale

[tectak]

.


v2
Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year the same as just one day,
and listen to the echoes playEmotive by truth. Have you been here?
and while away, and while away.

Let us talk of gods now gone,
although their stories linger on,
and let us sing their ancient song
at Fingal's Cave, and while away.

On silver road they come again,
fright'ning off all lesser men,
but we embrace them as our kin,
in Fingal's Cave, and while away.

And if our friends ask where we play,
then tell them we are with the Fey,
for in their world we choose to stay,
and while away, and while away.

----------------------------------



Let us go to Fingal's Cave
a year the same as just one day,
and listen to the echoes play
and while away, and while away.

Let us talk of gods now gone,
although their stories linger on,
and let us sing their ancient song
at Fingal's Cave, and while away.

On silver road they come again,
frightening off all lesser men,
but we embrace them as our kin,
in Fingal's Cave, and while away.

And if friends ask where do we play,
tell them we are with the Fey,
for in their world we choose to stay,
and while away, and while away.


©2012 –Erthona

This is rather fine. It is as lilting as the tenuous Irish (gaelic) link would or should allow. The sea is for the most part as undulating as the flow in this piece, though I have witnessed it otherwise, but that's another poem.
FingalAl or FingUl, dyslexia rule KO, but not as consistently as you would have us believe. I still ask why change the spelling?
Nonetheless, desevedly well received. Reminds me of a ballad by John Martyn the name of which escapes me but it has the not verboten line " ...and if you would like your friends to come, then bring them all along". I could fit your words to the smoothly jigging tune. Very nice.
I have only one negative comment regarding the inevitability of this form. It plays into simplistic thinking and probably could do with a little (just a little, mark you) more complexity.....though as someone said its whole is greater than its parts.
Best,
tectak

[don miguel]

Thanks for the reply, Erthona.

BTW What children?

Well, fair point, but so much was implied in the line 'And if our friends ask where do we play' - 'playing' being associated predominantly with kids, of course.

I could equally ask: what 'not-children'?

[Erthona]

TT

"FingalAl or FingUl, dyslexia rule KO, but not as consistently as you would have us believe. I still ask why change the spelling?"

I am going out on a limb here, but I believe there is a character in JRR's book the Silmarillion called Fingul. That would be the only other explanation other than the one I gave, but it is also true I am severely dyslexic.
----------------------------------------------------------------
DM

Because

Dale

[Paddygirl]

I am not here to give serious critique, I cannot anyway However, I have a certain irishness about me and in the reading of this poem (obviously in an Irish accent) it has such smoothness either read silently or aloud that it just flows perfectly to my ears. I love the repeating "and while away, and while away" it adds that folklore feel to it in a hypnotic way and really works in the poems setting. The only reason I would like it expanded would be because I wanted to read more! Sorry for butting in but had to say, I love it!

[Erthona]

Thanks PG. Butt all you want. Although we prefer people to be mean, cruel and cutting in their critiques, it is not a requirement :p

Dale