Short-lived Or Eternal Love?

[billy]

Hello poetry friends! I'm new here but not new in poetry in general, although I mostly write poems in Swedish. Today I wrote this poem and choose to register here to post. It would be fun to hear your opinion - negative, constructive as well as positive! The poem is partly autobiographical - I mean the first part is true and the the last part just my imagination as how things could be. Because of the semi autobiographical character I became puzzled if I should delete it or not. I realized then that my dreams and desires are somehow also completely autobiographical cause they are emotions and urges. Or something like that. I hope you like the poem! But I somehow think my poems gets a bit pathetic. But it's better to write to become good! Enjoy!

only delete or edit those parts that need it. that you wrote it in english (if it's a 2nd language) is something to be admired. that said we shall not feel sorry for any syntax problems

We don't talk anymore a weak start and cliche as well
Am I hopeless who causes heartless pain? a syntax problem, one after hopeless would fix it
I ask for myself for isn't needed if you're asking yourself
Why our love quickly vanished
Was everything a brief moment?
I wonder as I wander
In the lonely streets
I come back home
And write what I like
Read and relax myself with Merlot wine probably the best original line you have
I pick up the telephone and tell you:
Enough is enough!
I'm coming home to you and only you
You say yes and you let me in
My kiss then touches the north
and then the south
of your lips
Then I touch the west
and then the east
of your rosy cheeks
Our languishing body at last meets
Tonight we too are one
The night is eternally ours!
And the room is on passionate fire
And our hearts trembles forever more.

the sex stuff is pretty much old hat in the way you tell it. aka; cliche.
try and use imagery to show us the tale, at present you're just telling us in a pretty mundane fashion. if i had to make one suggestion, it would be to go over each line and make it original, the odds are if you think you've heard a phrase before, it's been overused already. that aside, i think you'd be better to post in the mild critique forum so as to not get overloaded with feedback. great to have you at the site.

thanks for the read.

ps have a look at our class forums we're i and Leanne set people a small task to do. Leanne's is in the novice section and mine is in the willy wonky forum.