a story of love

[way2epic4me]

The twilight slowly sets
As the love slowly fades
A love we both fought for
Where impending loss was known
Our hands hold each other in their embrace
As we watch the sun set
Shadows climb the hills we stand on
Watching the hill slip beneath a sea of darkness
Shadows lap at our feet
As I take a last look into your eyes
I see sadness in those soft brown, tear stricken eyes
And my heart breaks for the last time
Just before the light before us goes out
And we are plunged into darkness
As yet another chapter closes
On the story of love

thanks guys.

[Universalchild]

The twilight slowly sets
As the love slowly fades Slowly doesn't need to be repeated, plenty of similar words could be used.
A love we both fought for
Where impending loss was known
Our hands hold each other in their embrace If they are holding you don't need to mention they are embracing, we already know they are holding.
As we watch the sun set
Shadows climb the hills we stand on
Watching the hill slip beneath a sea of darkness
Shadows lap at our feet
As I take a last look into your eyes Why don't you say at your face instead of into your eyes? Avoids that darned repetition again c:
I see sadness in those soft brown, tear stricken eyes
And my heart breaks for the last time
Just before the light before us goes out
And we are plunged into darkness Why don't you say night instead of darkness?
As yet another chapter closes
On the story of love

thanks guys.

I admit I'm rarely fond of love poems, but I thought I'd give my in-put. [/b]

[billy]

point 1 or two things out in the body of the poem in mild crit forum.
the line by line is for serious crit only

---

sorry i got to this one late way2.

The twilight slowly sets the isn't needed
As the love slowly fades as the, isn't needed
A love we both fought for
Where impending loss was known
Our hands hold each other in their embrace
As we watch the sun set
Shadows climb the hills we stand on
Watching the hill slip beneath a sea of darkness
Shadows lap at our feet
As I take a last look into your eyes
I see sadness in those soft brown, tear stricken eyes
And my heart breaks for the last time
Just before the light before us goes out
And we are plunged into darkness
As yet another chapter closes
On the story of love

thanks guys.

one of the main problems you have way2; is cliche. a lot of what you wrote has been written many times before in much the same way. we all went through this phase of writing things how we read them and not how we saw them (though we do often see things the same way ) the trick is to add a new slant to the image, say it in a way that's not been done before.

the problem is a lack of images, everything is told to us. you need to show it to us (with an image) ie;
And we are plunged into darkness could be;
and we drop like wishes into the black well just an example which could be better.

take out all the small words and add some original images. love poems are notoriously difficult to write in a fresh way.

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I agree there's a bit of cliche here when it comes to the imagery. I do like the vibe though. There is something dark and big creeping up on them, but the overall mood is still sweet and the protagonists are wholly focused on one another. I think I'd enjoy a hint of what it might be that's separating them.... you don't need to tell us overtly, but just a tease of what it could be? (is the darkness, for instance, a metaphor for creeping sickness or death over paradise? On the other hand you say "the love fades", implying they've fallen out of love? Maybe I'm overreaching)

The twilight slowly sets
As the love slowly fades
A love we both fought for
Where impending loss was known
Our hands hold each other in their embrace why not just "our hands embrace"?
As we watch the sun set
Shadows climb the hills we stand on
Watching the hill synonym for hill slip beneath a sea of darkness
Shadows lap at our feet
As I take a last look into your eyes
I see sadness in those soft brown, tear stricken eyes
And my heart breaks for the last time
Just before the light before Shouldn't repeat "before" us goes out
And we are plunged into darkness
As yet another chapter closes
On the story of love

thanks guys.

Thanks for the read