Bleach

Bleach

billy Offline

Are you alluding to me?

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07-05-2012, 06:08 PM (This post was last modified: 07-05-2012, 06:45 PM by billy.)

if you change the short verse to something that add to the poem then there's no reason to shorten the piece
smashed overtook tripping i think Smile

i can't think of a man substitute off the top of my head that rhymes with pan Big Grin

did you mean 'the man' as the 'establishment" ?
the beginning is better but the short verses let the good parts down, i think.

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Messages In This Thread

Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-05-2012, 06:37 AM

RE: Bleach - by addy - 07-05-2012, 10:21 AM

RE: Bleach - by billy - 07-05-2012, 11:55 AM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-05-2012, 04:30 PM

RE: Bleach - by billy - 07-05-2012, 06:08 PM

RE: Bleach - by tectak - 07-05-2012, 06:15 PM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-05-2012, 08:39 PM

RE: Bleach - by tectak - 07-06-2012, 01:46 AM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-06-2012, 01:58 AM

RE: Bleach - by tectak - 07-06-2012, 02:35 AM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-06-2012, 02:37 AM

RE: Bleach - by billy - 07-06-2012, 04:01 PM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-06-2012, 05:00 PM

RE: Bleach - by billy - 07-06-2012, 05:38 PM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-06-2012, 09:00 PM

RE: Bleach - by penguin - 07-06-2012, 10:51 PM

RE: Bleach - by Universalchild - 07-07-2012, 12:36 AM

RE: Bleach - by Erthona - 07-08-2012, 05:31 PM

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