Soulstice

[tectak]

Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist above the blinded earth;
The living feel each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time.
But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;
a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch. a spring comes next
Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks: then drains so gently into ground. nice and gentle in it's inage

The quick, above, entranced by life, enthralled by futures promised fair,
will come to yearn the fast embrace, the steady passage, constant night.
That you know not what death can bring, nor care to know, nor dare to guess,
is all the better whilst you stir, and all the better when you die.
This the secret no one tells, why none return to clarify. really like this stanza. wordy as hell but full of gravitas that is a weighty truism

Ask not the question “What of me?”, for whilst you stride the changing plane,
your footsteps pulse upon your fate, and deep in darkness souls vibrate;
a friend or two, a brother lost, a father grieved, a mother mourned,
a lover once, but now long gone, a worshipped wife, a much loved son.
This is the way, the course, of life and this is the longest day. are either of the is's needed?

Tectak
The summer solstice
June 2012

i think, as i stated above; that it's extremely wordy....but i think it's also extremely good and would remove anything but the wto is's were the choice mine. it, free flowing with a classic sound, yet it suits the life and death of a modern world in a modern idion. i agree with penguin that it does have Shakespearian quality to it, but only in as much that it flows almost effortlessly along. it takes more than a couple of reads to get into the poem proper but once there it's a delight to roam around in.

so that's no nits from me (almost)

thanks for the read.

billy
I don't often defend a phrase or line on its reasoned clarity but the summer/winter thing is important in the piece. It is making the observation that once six feet down the only effect felt is the cyclical temperature change throughout the year; and that is but slight. I am hoping to get across the difference between the spiritual extension of time after death by relating to the actuality of switching from the daily to the yearly cycle.
billy and penguin
I apologise for the last line. a lengthy pause is required after "this". I omitted the ellipsis because it is technically incorrect to use it for this purpose. If either of you wish to richard burton this line then it would probably read thus;
This is the way, the course of life: and this...is the longest day.
or something.
Thanks both for the comments. I am going to tidy this up in spite of my spirited defence. I have noticed a hopefully passing tendency from some contributors to defend their work past the point of decency....I hope I am not guilty of this, but if one is allowed narcisism in the face of criticism then I admit to liking this one:D
hey billy! you've nicked my home grown emoticon. It was based on dales descriptionso I have no claim to it. I am not sure the pursed lips are definitive. They are possibly obscene.:tic::D