Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist above the blinded earth;
The living feel each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time.
But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;
a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch.
Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks: then drains so gently into ground.

The quick, above, entranced by life, enthralled by futures promised fair,
will come to yearn the fast embrace, the steady passage, constant night.
That you know not what death can bring, nor care to know, nor dare to guess,
is all the better whilst you stir, and all the better when you die.
This the secret no one tells, why none return to clarify.

Ask not the question “What of me?”, for whilst you stride the changing plane,
your footsteps pulse upon your fate, and deep in darkness souls vibrate;
a friend or two, a brother lost, a father grieved, a mother mourned,
a lover once, but now long gone, a worshipped wife, a much loved son.
This is the way, the course, of life and this is the longest day.

Tectak
The summer solstice
June 2012

For a while I thought the Olympics had started - we below have run the race - the quick, above - the fast embrace (very good) - your footsteps pulse. I enjoyed the metaphors and the last line is clever. Yes, life is short and death is long. My main criticism would be that the last 8 lines become rather long-winded, repetitious. Enjoyed the poem, though, almost Shakespearean in parts. "and this the longest day" would be even more so.

(07-02-2012, 08:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist above the blinded earth;
The living feel each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time.
But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;
a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch. a spring comes next
Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks: then drains so gently into ground. nice and gentle in it's inage

The quick, above, entranced by life, enthralled by futures promised fair,
will come to yearn the fast embrace, the steady passage, constant night.
That you know not what death can bring, nor care to know, nor dare to guess,
is all the better whilst you stir, and all the better when you die.
This the secret no one tells, why none return to clarify. really like this stanza. wordy as hell but full of gravitas that is a weighty truism

Ask not the question “What of me?”, for whilst you stride the changing plane,
your footsteps pulse upon your fate, and deep in darkness souls vibrate;
a friend or two, a brother lost, a father grieved, a mother mourned,
a lover once, but now long gone, a worshipped wife, a much loved son.
This is the way, the course, of life and this is the longest day. are either of the is's needed?

Tectak
The summer solstice
June 2012

i think, as i stated above; that it's extremely wordy....but i think it's also extremely good and wouldn't remove anything but the two is's were the choice mine. it, free flowing with a classic sound, yet it suits the life and death of a modern world in a modern idiom. i agree with penguin that it does have Shakespearian quality to it, but only in as much that it flows almost effortlessly along. it takes more than a couple of reads to get into the poem proper but once there it's a delight to roam around in.

so that's no nits from me (almost)

thanks for the read.

(07-03-2012, 10:51 AM)billy Wrote:  

(07-02-2012, 08:14 PM)tectak Wrote:  Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist above the blinded earth;
The living feel each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time.
But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;
a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch. a spring comes next
Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks: then drains so gently into ground. nice and gentle in it's inage

The quick, above, entranced by life, enthralled by futures promised fair,
will come to yearn the fast embrace, the steady passage, constant night.
That you know not what death can bring, nor care to know, nor dare to guess,
is all the better whilst you stir, and all the better when you die.
This the secret no one tells, why none return to clarify. really like this stanza. wordy as hell but full of gravitas that is a weighty truism

Ask not the question “What of me?”, for whilst you stride the changing plane,
your footsteps pulse upon your fate, and deep in darkness souls vibrate;
a friend or two, a brother lost, a father grieved, a mother mourned,
a lover once, but now long gone, a worshipped wife, a much loved son.
This is the way, the course, of life and this is the longest day. are either of the is's needed?

Tectak
The summer solstice
June 2012

i think, as i stated above; that it's extremely wordy....but i think it's also extremely good and would remove anything but the wto is's were the choice mine. it, free flowing with a classic sound, yet it suits the life and death of a modern world in a modern idion. i agree with penguin that it does have Shakespearian quality to it, but only in as much that it flows almost effortlessly along. it takes more than a couple of reads to get into the poem proper but once there it's a delight to roam around in.

so that's no nits from me (almost)

thanks for the read.

billy
I don't often defend a phrase or line on its reasoned clarity but the summer/winter thing is important in the piece. It is making the observation that once six feet down the only effect felt is the cyclical temperature change throughout the year; and that is but slight. I am hoping to get across the difference between the spiritual extension of time after death by relating to the actuality of switching from the daily to the yearly cycle.
billy and penguin
I apologise for the last line. a lengthy pause is required after "this". I omitted the ellipsis because it is technically incorrect to use it for this purpose. If either of you wish to richard burton this line then it would probably read thus;
This is the way, the course of life: and this...is the longest day.
or something.
Thanks both for the comments. I am going to tidy this up in spite of my spirited defence. I have noticed a hopefully passing tendency from some contributors to defend their work past the point of decency....I hope I am not guilty of this, but if one is allowed narcisism in the face of criticism then I admit to liking this one:D
hey billy! you've nicked my home grown emoticon. It was based on dales descriptionso I have no claim to it. I am not sure the pursed lips are definitive. They are possibly obscene.:tic::D

the emoticon is okay
and explanation isn't what i'd call a defence.

I like the idea, but there are phrases that seem light on meaning, or are confusing (bolded), and those that are written in a somewhat affected, or trite way (italics). Underlined words I think would be best removed.

Personally I don't get the need for this pseudo-archaic type of speech (especially as there are no form or meter constraints that might force you into strange syntactical flips as iambic pentameter often does)as it comes across as affected and melodramatic and cheapens what could be insightful commentary about human existence.

For me this has a priggish tone, instead of a grand one. It brings to mind the worst image of the romantic poet: frills and lace (a little boy blue suit),[Image: http://ts3.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail....5cebfa7ec9] with a long feathered nib in hand, standing upon a hill, with the forward foot upon a rock, contemplating the sunset (or rise, if that is your preference).

I suspect you are encountering the same problem one encounters when attempting to write love poetry when he is actively in love. The heart I fear is an excellent apprehender of the more delicate sentiments, but an altogether unsatisfactory poet. It is like acid rock. when on is high it takes on the deepest, multifaceted aspects one can imagine, yet when straight these added dimensions appear nowhere to be found.

However, go then where thou wouldst go, and imbibe in what the indwelling spirit dost commend thou to consume. When thine heart hast cleared of these ephemeral vapors, and beats the steady beat once again, return and find the rake, bags and shears waiting for thee to put things to right!

Dale

----------------------------------------------------------------

Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist above the blinded earth;
The living feel each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time.
But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;
a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch.
Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks then drains so gently into ground.

The quick, above, entranced by life, enthralled by futures promised fair, (there are not multiple futures)
will come to yearn the fast embrace, the steady passage, constant night.
That you know not what death can bring, nor care to know, nor dare to guess,
is all the better whilst you stir, and all the better when you die.
This the secret no one tells, why none return to clarify. (good line)

Ask not the question “What of me?”, for whilst you stride the changing plane,
your footsteps pulse upon your fate, and deep in darkness souls vibrate; (do they?)
a friend or two, a brother lost, a father grieved, a mother mourned,
a lover once, but now long gone, a worshipped (worshiped) wife, a much loved son.
This is the way, (and) the course, of life and this is the longest day.

(07-04-2012, 01:22 AM)Erthona Wrote:  I like the idea, but there are phrases that seem light on meaning, or are confusing (bolded), and those that are written in a somewhat affected, or trite way (italics). Underlined words I think would be best removed.

Personally I don't get the need for this pseudo-archaic type of speech (especially as there are no form or meter constraints that might force you into strange syntactical flips as iambic pentameter often does)as it comes across as affected and melodramatic and cheapens what could be insightful commentary about human existence.

For me this has a priggish tone, instead of a grand one. It brings to mind the worst image of the romantic poet: frills and lace (a little boy blue suit),[Image: http://ts3.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail....5cebfa7ec9] with a long feathered nib in hand, standing upon a hill, with the forward foot upon a rock, contemplating the sunset (or rise, if that is your preference).

I suspect you are encountering the same problem one encounters when attempting to write love poetry when he is actively in love. The heart I fear is an excellent apprehender of the more delicate sentiments, but an altogether unsatisfactory poet. It is like acid rock. when on is high it takes on the deepest, multifaceted aspects one can imagine, yet when straight these added dimensions appear nowhere to be found.

However, go then where thou wouldst go, and imbibe in what the indwelling spirit dost commend thou to consume. When thine heart hast cleared of these ephemeral vapors, and beats the steady beat once again, return and find the rake, bags and shears waiting for thee to put things to right!

Dale
Sometimes I write this stuff to prove I can. I cannot, but the effectiveness of the exercise is to my advantage. I will try to explain what I mean without diminishing the perceptive comments you make. First off, to be subjected to burden of the need to write SOMETHING is onerous. I am not suggesting that this piece had to be written for medical reasons, nor would I have you believe that it was written for this forum.....no, it was written because the opportunity of subject (the summer solstice) coincided with a long held view of the conditional shift which death brings to us all. Lofty thoughts, I know, but too good an opportunity to miss for this writer.
I am afraid that the style of the thing was of its own making. I have heard you say on occasion that you are not the composer of your efforts but the writer! I may have put that better than you did but I am that kind of guy
So where is this going. It is going to hell in a handcart, that's where. You see, I am naked before you with this sort of piece.....wide open to criticism from the pedants, the purists and the pompous. That is good. That is where poetic endeavour should be. Subsequent my efforts, I submitted myself to criticism and got what I deserved. I feel better for it.
Your points are all of a muchness, nothing wrong with that, and are accepted as they stand. I am encouraged to make a rewrite on this one because I am not convinced that I got it right..........I only got it right for me; but and by the way, there are, of course, as many futures as there are souls, as well you know. There may be more than that if the bloody Higgs Boson ever comes out of the closet.......and there's nowt so queer as that.
Thanks for a good crit. I am listening.
Best,
tectak
----------------------------------------------------------------

Each dawn’s bright rise is but a turn, a cyclic twist above the blinded earth;
The living feel each passing day, clicked by a ratchet hooked by time.
But we below have run the race, and sense but seasons in our bones;
a winter comes, a summer next, spring and autumn barely touch.
Lagging warmth, slow risen, peaks then drains so gently into ground.

The quick, above, entranced by life, enthralled by futures promised fair, (there are not multiple futures)
will come to yearn the fast embrace, the steady passage, constant night.
That you know not what death can bring, nor care to know, nor dare to guess,
is all the better whilst you stir, and all the better when you die.
This the secret no one tells, why none return to clarify. (good line)

Ask not the question “What of me?”, for whilst you stride the changing plane,
your footsteps pulse upon your fate, and deep in darkness souls vibrate; (do they?)
a friend or two, a brother lost, a father grieved, a mother mourned,
a lover once, but now long gone, a worshipped (worshiped) wife, a much loved son.
This is the way, (and) the course, of life and this is the longest day.

Fermilab beat the LHC to the punch. What fun. Of course they have no idea how it interacts with space to cause this effect, or even what space is! Ah! Reductionism! I knew it well its epitaph did read, when we broke the barrier of light in 2093!

Dale