06-22-2012, 03:16 AM
Welcome to The Pig, ksinll!
You have included some nice imagery and turns of phrase in this piece. However, it is kind of a humbled mess. You have lengthy statements with lots of adjectives and modifiers. I suggest identifying two or there points you wish to emphasize, and pare the fat off to expose the physique you built it around.
I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
Aish
You have included some nice imagery and turns of phrase in this piece. However, it is kind of a humbled mess. You have lengthy statements with lots of adjectives and modifiers. I suggest identifying two or there points you wish to emphasize, and pare the fat off to expose the physique you built it around.
I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
Aish
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?