The Passion of the Wife

[heslopian]

I release my longing through small doors.
While boiling eggs as you showered
I thrust my hands into the pan,

holding them there for as long as I could.
I screamed and saw the face of Christ
looming just above the stove.

Vinegar from the sponge in His mouth
dripped into the water,
and I wept with satisfaction.

Later, when you'd come downstairs,
you asked me why I screamed.
I asked you why you didn't run

when you heard me screaming.
I couldn't hold a pen all day.
I told the priest it was an accident;

I'm sure he thinks you're hurting me.
There is a truth somewhere,
in churches, symbols and The Book.

In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity,
the deceptive fact of your penis,
like songs which heathens promise are pure.

When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,

begging me to handle it,
I closed my eyes and thought of Him;
but of course you went no further.

I know there's goodness inside you,
somewhere beyond that mindless lust,
which views my body as more than a home

for ours and God's children.
As your wife I will help you find it,
as well as your own small doors.

[Aish]

Jack, this is beautiful. It reminds me of Anne Sexton. I think you've somehow managed to capture the essence of a pent up, under appreciated woman. How the hell?
I have nothing to contribute by way of critique. To me this is flawless. As a wife who has experienced an apathetic husband, and know too many "Good Christian Women" who suffered in silence, especially a generation or so ago, I find it intriguing you've internalized and found empathy in this manner. I have personally (as a child) experienced this type of draw to harsh stimuli in response to an uncontrollable environment. I have also witnessed this manifested in others. The OCD manifestation is common. I'm still a little surprised this was written by a man, because the elements are genuinely feminine, and the use of eggs! There is much to be said regarding the use of eggs here, a centuries old fertility symbol. The protagonist is literally boiling (sterilizing) an ovum, and later you bring it ' round with mention of sexual function and children. The "wife" here is burning her hands (also symbolic) immersed alongside a personification of fertility. A representation of the systemic abrogation of a divine energy.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your very kind feedback Aish I'm very flattered by your drawing of meanings and interpretations. If people can discuss what my poem means, and connect it to their personal experiences, then I think I've succeeded, even if only in a small way.

[Universalchild]

I'm not a Christian so I think some of the poem is lost on me, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. I loved the imagery with the eggs and the small doors. I don't really connect or empathize with the woman very well, as I don't view sex in that way, but I can connect with the self-harming aspect and the need to purge through pain.

It does need tidying though, like a few new sentences lack capitals.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the great feedback Universalchild I'm not a Christian either, so I was winging it at times while writing this poem Which sentences are you referring to?

[Universalchild]

Wow, I'm really quite impressed with how powerful and emotive this is then. You've really broken out from yourself with this P.O.V - I know I would struggle to write something like this. It reminds me of "The Handmaid's Tale"

And I also just realized that I was mistaking a comma for a full stop in a couple of places. Sorry I was looking on my phone originally and that is always a bad idea as the text is small and my vision is poor!

[heslopian]

And I also just realized that I was mistaking a comma for a full stop in a couple of places. Sorry I was looking on my phone originally and that is always a bad idea as the text is small and my vision is poor!

Ah, I see. No problem. I do stuff like that all the time, and as I work with a huge computer screen I don't have any excuse

[addy]

I release my longing through small doors.
While boiling eggs as you showered
I thrust my hands into the pan, This scene works so damn well, the analogous images just layer beautifully.

holding them there for as long as I could.
I screamed and saw the face of Christ
looming just above the stove.

Vinegar from the sponge in His mouth
dripped into the water,
and I wept with satisfaction. I'd be remiss if I didn't say this is flawless so far.

Later, when you'd come downstairs,
you asked me why I screamed.
I asked you why you didn't run

when you heard me screaming.
I couldn't hold a pen all day.
I told the priest it was an accident

(I'm sure he thinks you're hurting me).
There is a truth somewhere,
in churches, symbols and The Book. nice transition

In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity,
the deceptive fact of your penis,
like songs which heathens promise are pure. This is killing me, since I love this line-- but I don't think its actually needed? "the deceptive fact of your penis" flows well to "when it throbbed against my leg." But perhaps I only think this way because I grew up Catholic, and so the puritanicalness of religion in my mind is alkready salient to me. Other readers, maybe not?

When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,

begging me to handle it,
I closed my eyes and thought of Him.
But of course you went no further.

I know there's goodness inside you,
somewhere beyond that mindless lust,
which views my body as more than a home

for ours and God's children.
As your wife I will help you find it,
as well as your own small doors. Painful and all kinds of fucked up. Well done sir

[heslopian]

Thanks for the great feedback Addy You know, if I had to pick a line which I thought wasn't as strong as the rest of this poem, I'd probably go for that heathens' songs one. The problem is that if I delete it the tercet symmetry will be broken. But maybe that doesn't matter, seeing as the number of verses is uneven and I don't follow any meter anyway.

[billy]

I release my longing through small doors.
While boiling eggs as you showered
I thrust my hands into the pan,

holding them there for as long as I could.
I screamed and saw the face of Christ
looming just above the stove. i'm not fuckin surprised

Vinegar from the sponge in His mouth
dripped into the water,
and I wept with satisfaction.

Later, when you'd come downstairs,
you asked me why I screamed.
I asked you why you didn't run this line feels superfluous

when you heard me screaming. it's the separation that screws it up i'd move this up and have a 4 liner and 2 liner
I couldn't hold a pen all day.
I told the priest it was an accident

(I'm sure he thinks you're hurting me).
There is a truth somewhere,
in churches, symbols and The Book.

In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity,
the deceptive fact of your penis,
like songs which heathens promise are pure. this is also superfluous

When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,

begging me to handle it,
I closed my eyes and thought of Him.
But of course you went no further.

I know there's goodness inside you,
somewhere beyond that mindless lust,
which views my body as more than a home

for ours and God's children.
As your wife I will help you find it,
as well as your own small doors.

apart from my constructives which i see as really small things for an edit. the poem itself is excellent. i absolutely thought the 2nd stanza was fantastic and great. God, Shower, vinegar, penis and throbbed; this poem has it all
excellent jack, just excellent

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

This is a churlish crit, tinged with envy. This is a very good piece of work. To those who say that there is no such thing as bad poetry, and hence deny the concept of quality, I would ask that they read this and reconsider their stance. Any small nit I pick up will be just that. Small. You may disregard my comments completely

I release my longing through small doors.
While boiling eggs as you showered
I thrust my hands into the pan, A boring plea. Why split the stanza here? Why at all?

holding them there for as long as I could.
I screamed and saw the face of Christ
looming just above the stove.Just perfect imagery combined with brutal high-accutance imagery. Very well done><><><

Vinegar from the sponge in His mouth
dripped into the water,
and I wept with satisfaction.Salt and vinegar, crisp and clear. I haven't got Aish's gift of extrapolated interpretation. WISIWIG.

Later, when you'd come downstairs,
you asked me why I screamed.
I asked you why you didn't run

when you heard me screaming.
I couldn't hold a pen all day.
I told the priest it was an accidentPrefer a semi or full colon here and wonder why you needed parentheses for the next line which is surely non-confessional. It confuses the piece to suddenly wonder who is being "confided" in that after all that has been said, this small inner aside must be somehow under one's breath or unspoken thought. After all, by definition, parentheses should used to add some information or clarification to an otherwise free-standing line

(I'm sure he thinks you're hurting me).
There is a truth somewhere,
in churches, symbols and The Book.

In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity,
the deceptive fact of your penis,
like songs which heathens promise are pure.

When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,Vice?

begging me to handle it,Full stop here
I closed my eyes and thought of Him.Comma to be sure but semi colon to be though provoking
But of course you went no further.

I know there's goodness inside you,
somewhere beyond that mindless lust,
which views my body as more than a home

for ours and God's children.
As your wife I will help you find it,
as well as your own small doors.

I do not pretend to look for symbolism in a piece so clearly and precisely expressed. I am happy with the surefootedness of your style and would confidently follow you over very rocky ground. This is to my mind a mark of excellence. Very well done.
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Hello. I enjoyed this very much. Not so much room for improvement, really.
I think "when you heard me screaming" following "why I screamed" is a bit bland.
This verse comes as a surprise due to its length, or lack of it.

When it throbbed against my leg
as you held me,
your face in a vise,

In accepting this truth I've denied your falsity, - you could omit truth.

But it's a lovely poem, I liked the 3rd verse best.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your great feedback tectak I'll use most of your suggestions, as they tidy up the form really well. I love your idea of putting a semi-colon after "Him". That will be more thought-provoking. I also see your point about the brackets. I've always thought they symbolised an aside as much as a cofidence. To evade confusion I'll remove them.
With "vise" I was referring to this kind of tool: http://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00SCZ...-FT5C-.jpg, as a metaphor for an agonised expression.
In the first line of verse nine, I put a comma there because what follows it is part of the same sentence, so if I put a full stop that line and verse eight would feel like an unfinished conjunction.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback penguin I wondered about that verse's length too.

Thanks for the kind feedback Bilbo Do you think I should remove both verse four's last line and five's first? I'm not sure I can have one without the other. I'd feel weird about sacrificing the tercet symmetry, but like I told addy there's an uneven number of lines and no meter anyway, so it could be sacrified.

[tectak]

Thank you for your great feedback tectak I'll use most of your suggestions, as they tidy up the form really well. I love your idea of putting a semi-colon after "Him". That will be more thought-provoking. I also see your point about the brackets. I've always thought they symbolised an aside as much as a cofidence. To evade confusion I'll remove them.
With "vise" I was referring to this kind of tool: http://image.made-in-china.com/2f0j00SCZ...-FT5C-.jpg, as a metaphor for an agonised expression.
In the first line of verse nine, I put a comma there because what follows it is part of the same sentence, so if I put a full stop that line and verse eight would feel like an unfinished conjunction.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback penguin I wondered about that verse's length too.

Thanks for the kind feedback Bilbo Do you think I should remove both verse four's last line and five's first? I'm not sure I can have one without the other. I'd feel weird about sacrificing the tercet symmetry, but like I told addy there's an uneven number of lines and no meter anyway, so it could be sacrified.

Apologies for the vice correction. US=vise, UK=vice
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

it's not that bad and i don't think it would take much to sort it out so the tercets stayed.

the reason i said what i did about it. there was notheing after run, were you asking why she didn't run to see what the commotion was, run for help, run from fear. i just felt it was a bit weak compared to the rest of piece,

the 3rd line of the 4th could read something like:

i was to ashamed to explain

why didn't you come to help me?
I couldn't hold a pen all day.
I told the priest it was an accident

just a suggestion of sorts

[heslopian]

Thanks for the suggestion Bilbo I like how definite your alternative is, in that each line makes it clear what's being said and why, if that makes sense.