Little Feather Dove

[billy]

great to see you posting some poetry

Hi,
I've been working on this poem and I like the imagery. I'm trying to think of ways to make it better. Criticism welcome.

Little feather dove, drooping with color are you semi colon or commar after color
displeased? Questions may be despised and lay here you lose your reader
dimly lit like vain flickers of moonlight cast upon
shadow in your Aegean eyes.

Crazy-lovely is an orchid bent, a compelling vision
yet emanating an entrancing scent, a fragility like
cunning futile arguments. She’s standing high and
surrounded on red sandy dunes. a little wordy, it doesn't feel like it has a connection with the 1st stanza.

The ground blazes out runes with bloodshot eyes,
the desert floor keeps asking where the vicious water do you mean viscous or vicious? just curious, either works
went. A question matched by the sky, furor in ready furore
supply, is asked by the sun meeting the earth’s line.

A greeting at the center of all our lives
the burning majesty, he is passion enthroned
in the remote kingdom clothed in ghastly,
expansive midnight robes.

Only the dimly lit wonder of night
can capture the vastness of his might, the
pin-pointed principalities gleam for our eyes only
when all else has faded into a dark absconding dream. this is your strongest stanza so far, try and give the the rest of the poem this quality.

But he summons us, doesn’t he? Reveling in prisms revelling, revealing or reviling?
with flourishes played upon humid air to produce
greetings of lucid insanity, his madness and beauty
truly encompass the wide spectrums of our small lives. another solid stanza so now you have two to emulate (spectrum)

Orchid-lover, lost in the fiery red desert
crazy-lovely, broken, bent lady
oh, Beatrice of our lives
What have they done to you,
what in deed has been done? i do like this stanza , beatrice could be one of many. so now you're batting three for three.

Where are you now you silken screeching banshee,
your dew does sizzle like drops on coals of fancy.
Limpid lilting petals of velvet-light curving to scarlet;
blushes inscribed in the calligraphy of thin veins. almost beautiful, it just feels overdone, who is the ss banshee?

Peer over the jutting edge into contorted collusions
of sharp rock, a congregation of stone, the deep
indwelling of twisting waters trapped in their own
home. There now is where you stand. this is excellent though if it's a metaphor it would be best put to use as a 1st stanza.

As you look into the expanse of your soul’s motion;
blue darkly shining and stillness deeply burning -- needs some grammar
the sapphire’s way -- uniting people of a nation with a
perpetual waterfalling bridge, maybe death-begetting --
except for the one that surrenders and swims. this stanza just goes out there on a limb and leaves the reader in limbo asking WTF not a great place to leave a reader

The tithing tides take in all of identity’s lies.
If you indeed plummet you ghost purified with lye,
you ghost of a limp lethal florae – that must cry out
crazy with love or it will die;

If you do now, say your questions have arrived
and met their consummation; if you abandon
the grounds of your life and dive into this
sea of rioting untold commotion;

you’re but spirit-bound, if you plummet –
you will only fly.

obviously a religious piece, i think in general it's too preachy specially near the end. while you have some good line and some good stanza. i think it needs a lot of cleaning up to bring it into the realm of the readers understanding. if you want a poem to reach a wide/wider audience then you have to give them something they can understand. at the moment it's very hard going to get through. The title for many, is the most important part of the poem, try and spell the words in it correctly; Little


thanks for the read, if you can leave a bit of feedback on the poetry of some of the other poets.