05-21-2012, 07:05 PM
Here is a re-write of this poem. I tried to address various problematic areas that were pointed out. Dale
v2
...breath’s emanations echo a sigh;
angels circle corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls on me;
I know my own mortality:
for broken is life’s seal
when a poem is real.
v 1
...harsh effluence still sounds a sigh;
angels circle round the corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls over me,
I know my own mortality,
then broken is the seal,
when a poem is real.
v2
...breath’s emanations echo a sigh;
angels circle corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls on me;
I know my own mortality:
for broken is life’s seal
when a poem is real.
v 1
...harsh effluence still sounds a sigh;
angels circle round the corners of my eyes;
Death’s shadow falls over me,
I know my own mortality,
then broken is the seal,
when a poem is real.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.