05-20-2012, 05:29 PM
There are some nice parts. I like the finger on the bus part. There is also a fair amount of repetition. Purely personal, I think I would use "embed" instead of "imbed" as it is too close to looking like "in bed".
This line seems problematic to me "I’m begging telepathically", for me at least it disturbs the flow of the piece.
This is probably about a third to long. Right now the energy seems to come and go. But I'm tired at the moment so maybe I'll look again later.
Dale
This line seems problematic to me "I’m begging telepathically", for me at least it disturbs the flow of the piece.
This is probably about a third to long. Right now the energy seems to come and go. But I'm tired at the moment so maybe I'll look again later.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.