05-20-2012, 01:39 PM
a point before giving the main feedback....in showing the throes of passion, would one say on or upon. i think the latter unless you were disinterested 
)
and some things are repeated by all of us. to make this shine you need to cut em out or change them. as it it's still a decent poem but it's not the super poem you can make it. part of me likes some of cliche because part of me has written some of the same lines and they reverberate in me.
here's the thing, and i think it'll make more sense than all the guff i could spout. if i wrote the poem how many cliché's would spot? how many words would you say weren't needed?
a good read indeed, a good poem indeed. but it needs work.
thanks for the stiffy (almost )
(05-19-2012, 07:55 PM)Indie Wrote: Touch me or I’ll screamit feels really personal, as it should. in places it's original and here oit works really well. in other places it becomes a little mundane. having sex or requesting sex is one of the hardest poems to write about, like cutting poetry everyone and his mum has done it. (wrote about it i meant
And imbed you skull in the headboard embed and your nice opening two lines
Because I am aching just to feel the passion thing again, spit it out, lose 'because' make 'i am' 'i'm' i have yet to see eloquence used during love making
Your violence upon my skin don't we surmise its a lover, do you need 'yours'?
When your indifference again, 'when your' feels too much, it cuts the passion
Leaves me cold and sore and wanting cliche
Can’t you feel the heat of my desire? really cliche
Look me in the goddamn face!
And tell me you don’t want me a longer cliche
I still have the scars
Of the last time we fucked
The way your nails felt
As you raked them down my back love making cliche
Leaving bloody trails
That heightened my pleasure
And I breathed your name
In need for more.
And it’s been months
Since you told me you loved me
Your eyes wandering over
Other girls when we go out
And I’m sorry I’m not tall
And blonde and supermodel hot
Though you used to make me feel
Beautiful and wanted, like I was special
Unable to resist touching me
A finger curled around mine, a kiss
On the back of my neck
Hand sliding cheekily up my thigh
While we rode the bus
Just to tease me
While we sat, unseen by those
That would highly disapprove
As I’d pull my hat down over my face
To hide the flush that crept there
As I melded myself to your fingertips exploring
There way up under my skirt.
some good and some not so good stuff. the content feels dated but....it wouldn't be hard to make it less so. it would improve by changing or losing at least half the stanza.
And I want you to fuck me god, i feel like you talking to me
Like you hate me, with all
The pretense of love you can muster a few enjambment problems, i see a pause after 'all' and wonder why
Just one last time a very bare line
Before I light your clothes on fire
Along with g-string I found a missing 'a' before 'g', i liked this line.
In your coat pocket
That I know doesn’t belong to me isn't it a given ?
And I’m staring at your indifference
Longing just to reach out and kiss you
Hard and deep and painful
Your hands tangling in my hair
As you pull my head back
To kiss down my neck as you push
Me back down on the bed
To explore me with your lips
Your tongue, gentle fingertips
And sharp nails, taking control
Owning my body and claiming it
As yours, just like the first time
When we made love, in your mother’s bed
While she was out on a date
And I came so hard, I almost passed out.
Instead I watch you watching the TV
Greasy fingers in a packet of Doritos
Oh, for fucks sake... just touch me!
I’m begging telepathically
For you to just fucking touch me i know the feeling, great three lines i can connect with
Because I am going to scream
And imbed your skull in the headboard is it embed?
While I, instead, throw the lamp at the wall
And you call me a crazy bitch, as you get up
To turn out the light, and switch off the TV
Snoring beside me within minutes
And I breathe a sigh of sick relief
While I remove my panties
And get myself off to the thought
Of strangling you in your sleep
With your mistress’s underwear
When all I really wanted
Was for you to touch me one last time
And make me scream in all the right ways
...For you, just like you used to do.
)and some things are repeated by all of us. to make this shine you need to cut em out or change them. as it it's still a decent poem but it's not the super poem you can make it. part of me likes some of cliche because part of me has written some of the same lines and they reverberate in me.
here's the thing, and i think it'll make more sense than all the guff i could spout. if i wrote the poem how many cliché's would spot? how many words would you say weren't needed?
a good read indeed, a good poem indeed. but it needs work.
thanks for the stiffy (almost
)