Virgin Girls

[billy]

There is nothing quite like the thrill it opens with a cliche
Of doing something you’re not supposed to do the 1st two lines feel weak.
Hiding out in the back room of a Church
Getting lost in the heat emanating from the enjambment feels off
Another girl's lips, bodies pressed against each other
Static and electrified with wanting.

The preachers words a null and void buzz
A few rooms over. It’s all a meaningless hum
In the way her fingers wrap around my neck
To pull me closer, and the way she trembles
Ever so slightly as I run my fingers down her spine
Her breath catching as I provoke every tender nerve. more or less the verse is an extended cliche. though the 1st line works well

Footsteps in the hallway enough to startle
Mouths not an inch apart, as we wait
Breaths baited, tangled in each other’s limbs
For the opening of the door that never comes
Sighs of relief swallowed in mouths and tongues
To lose ourselves again in each other’s virgin promises.

And Jesus watches from a cross on the wall good image
Looking down at us, a silent voyeur to our passions
Two girls curled into each other, devouring each other
In a fire that no God could extinguish, or touch could sate
Secret smiles at the end of the service, bright-eyed
Like we’d felt the touch of God when nothing could be more untrue.

i think the poem is too weak, and too cliche indie. you need to weed out most of the cliché and replace them with strong original images. make me want the both of you, make me a voyeur. no need to shock just to make it feel new. i think you need to do a strong edit.