The Lion Speaks Tonight

[tectak]

edit 1 philatone

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail.
Come by and softly follow me.
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail,
let twilight wisdom lead we three.

Hush now, hush! The scents of life will tempt you sorely. Kill your speed;
come near and slowly stalk with me.
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye;
stand stiff and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh!
Hold still as death, for life prepare.

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?
Come with me in your wild mind’s eye.
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death.
Ready now…together…FLY!

In my teeth the warm blood surges, washing through my craving ache.
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion, bonds of siblings break
And throneless Kings come we…..


Tectak

2006

One of a series of anthropomorphic efforts. See the Camel. Others wll follow unless advised otherwise! ( Oh no....not ANOTHER one)

[Philatone]

hey tec! I hope this finds you well

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail...this was a line that sounded better than its actual meaning for me. I guess I could see the first half of the line working if the speaker ate not long ago. "Craving drools the hidden trail" was a bit harder for me to reason
Come close and softly follow me....I think the "softly" is interesting
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail..."closer" comes right after the "close" of the line before. may want a comma before "my"
in twilight wisdom leading thee....should "twilight" be "twilit"? the "thee" felt outdated for what preceded it

...I feel as though my comments were nitpicky, but they were general questions I had while reading. take what you will, I may be overdoing the critique. I think you do a good job of creating an atmosphere to this point

Hush now, hush now! The scents of life are tempting but… kill your speed, ....the use of "kill" is good here. I don't think the ellipsis is necessary. Also, I felt as though the repetition of just "Hush" would be stronger than "hush now, hush now"
Come close and slowly stalk with me.
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye;
Come close and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh!
Hold still as death, for death prepare....great line, though a part of me believed the punctuation could be different. I'll leave it to you

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?..."slide" is a great word choice
Come closer in your wild mind’s eye
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death...."death" loses some of its impact; it already appeared twice a stanza before
Ready now…together…FLY! ..didn't feel the style of this line much, but that is personal preference

In my teeth the warm blood surging, washes through my craving ache...recalls the opening for the close
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion bonds of siblings break ..maybe a comma after "passion"?
And throneless Kings come we…..

...I feel as though the closing lines add a new component to the piece (tones of betrayal?) that is dropped as soon as it is raised. I never noticed any of its tones previously, so to have them suggested suddenly and not mentioned further was a little frustrating. In fact, the poem has almost the opposite happening the entire time, with the speaker's addressees apparently following his orders with silent obedience

Tectak

2006

a pleasant read; i hope some of this may be helfpul

[tectak]

hey tec! I hope this finds you well

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail...this was a line that sounded better than its actual meaning for me. I guess I could see the first half of the line working if the speaker ate not long ago. "Craving drools the hidden trail" was a bit harder for me to reason
Come close and softly follow me....I think the "softly" is interesting
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail..."closer" comes right after the "close" of the line before. may want a comma before "my"
in twilight wisdom leading thee....should "twilight" be "twilit"? the "thee" felt outdated for what preceded it

...I feel as though my comments were nitpicky, but they were general questions I had while reading. take what you will, I may be overdoing the critique. I think you do a good job of creating an atmosphere to this point

Hush now, hush now! The scents of life are tempting but… kill your speed, ....the use of "kill" is good here. I don't think the ellipsis is necessary. Also, I felt as though the repetition of just "Hush" would be stronger than "hush now, hush now"
Come close and slowly stalk with me.
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye;
Come close and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh!
Hold still as death, for death prepare....great line, though a part of me believed the punctuation could be different. I'll leave it to you

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?..."slide" is a great word choice
Come closer in your wild mind’s eye
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death...."death" loses some of its impact; it already appeared twice a stanza before
Ready now…together…FLY! ..didn't feel the style of this line much, but that is personal preference

In my teeth the warm blood surging, washes through my craving ache...recalls the opening for the close
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion bonds of siblings break ..maybe a comma after "passion"?
And throneless Kings come we…..

...I feel as though the closing lines add a new component to the piece (tones of betrayal?) that is dropped as soon as it is raised. I never noticed any of its tones previously, so to have them suggested suddenly and not mentioned further was a little frustrating. In fact, the poem has almost the opposite happening the entire time, with the speaker's addressees apparently following his orders with silent obedience

Tectak

2006

Hi

a pleasant read; i hope some of this may be helfpul

Hi phil.
Thanks as always
I will be taking on board most of the comments on punctuation and will attempt to explain away the rest!
First if all, I tried to think like a young male lion, hunting as a pack (not a pride) at night as brothers do. The "hidden trail" is the scent trail of the quarry....as the group follow it they drool! I explained in another place that the limitations imposed by trying to write as though another species meant that basic emotional thinking was needed. I failed to get this principal established.
The idea that lions "think" in different terms was paramount. Hence the teeth/crave/blood/taste references.
The final line indicates the demonstratable sudden change intemprament when brotherstryto establish eating rights!
Best,
Tectak. Gotta go.....dog pestering me for morning pee!

[billy]

i feel a series coming on.

edit 1 philatone

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail. i had a ponder as to whether the drool part works and it did. that fact the opening line engaged me so made it all the better.
Come by and softly follow me.
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail,
let twilight wisdom lead we three.

Hush now, hush! The scents of life will tempt you sorely. Kill your speed;
come near and slowly stalk with me.
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye; i think this is a glorious line. shiver could being multi layered; cold, scared, heat haze or more than one of these.
stand stiff and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh!
Hold still as death, for life prepare. i like this as well. it's one of those you can reverse and it still works.

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?
Come with me in your wild mind’s eye.
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death.
Ready now…together…FLY! i only just now noticed it had end rhymes. so they must be working okay.

In my teeth the warm blood surges, washing through my craving ache. in or passed my teeth?
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion, bonds of siblings break
And throneless Kings come we….. i


Tectak

2006

One of a series of anthropomorphic efforts. See the Camel. Others wll follow unless advised otherwise! ( Oh no....not ANOTHER one)

so it is part of a series

i found this one more engrossing. the rhythm of it worked well with the tale. i'm assume these bro's were kicked out of the pride because they got to big? (i've seen the nat geo )
i'm not sure if this form has a name but in this piece it worked really well.
in retrospect. the camel's song needs bringing up to this level work, and no i don't know how,

ps, the titles are are a bit cheesy

thanks for the read.

[Indie]

edit 1 philatone

In my teeth there lingers taste and craving drools the hidden trail. "craving drool" sounds weird, not in a good way, also jars the flow and places the reader off balance
Come by and softly follow me.
The night is closer than you know, breathe deep my brothers; eye my tail, ending, is the eyeing of the tail needed?
let twilight wisdom lead we three.

Hush now, hush! The scents of life will tempt you sorely. Kill your speed;
come near and slowly stalk with me. "slowly" doesn't work with the surrounding words, and stalking by its nature and how it's used in this poem, is slow
The eyes of many, ears of all, this way we brothers will succeed.
Be still now, look and you will see.

There, in olive-tangled shade, an outline shivers in my eye;
stand stiff and look to where I stare.
Make not a whimper, not a sound, not a breath nor yet a sigh! take out "not a sound" it's unneeded repetition
Hold still as death, for life prepare. for life prepare? I don't understand what you're trying to say here

Can you hear the heart within? And can you feel the slide of breath?
Come with me in your wild mind’s eye.
Wait for my sign, a change unseen, yet you will know the call to death.
Ready now…together…FLY! last two lines in this verse left me confused. I understand what you mean, but Lion's don't fly.

In my teeth the warm blood surges, washing through my craving ache. again with the craving. Find a better word
Close enough, no closer be!
Though brothers still, beware of me. In passion, bonds of siblings break
And throneless Kings come we…..


Tectak

2006

One of a series of anthropomorphic efforts. See the Camel. Others wll follow unless advised otherwise! ( Oh no....not ANOTHER one)

An interesting primal write. Like I mentioned on Desert Song, just needs tightening and some clarification.

Indie

[tectak]

Hi Indie,
Thanks for your perceptive crit. Most, but not all, if your points are covered in my reply to phil. I admit that this one doesn't get the concept across. The puzzlement you expressed in "hold still as death" is obvious, but "for life prepare" needs a little thought. The death of the prey means life to the lions.
Your point on "slowly stalk" is noted and may bring about a change. Do you have a dog? If you have you will notice that it stalks , a rabbit, for example,too quickly when it is inexperienced. With time it learns to take it slowly!
Nonetheless. Point well made.
No....lions do not fly......but watch one make a pounce......it comes close.
Craving....mmmmmm.....not sure what you are objecting here.......I am a lion in this piece. I crave meat.
Again, I am pleased with your comments. Watch for changes....credit to you as always.
Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

I think I critiqued this one already.

Dale

[tectak]

I think I critiqued this one already.

Dale

Never stopped you before!
Best,
Tectak