Virgin Girls

[tectak]

There is nothing quite like the thrill as an opener it is probably a tad pedestrian but you would not know that unless you had read the rest of the piece. The opener does rather let the thing down in its not-so-subtle cliche. There must be a better opening gambit for this interesting cameo.
Of doing something you’re not supposed to do I know you are averse to the pollutant punctuation but it really would help if you gave it a chance. I read somewhere that this lack on your part was down to your short storywriting habits. I find this excuse nonsensical. Go to the back of the class
Hiding out in the back room of a Church
Getting lost in the heat emanating from
Another girl's lips, bodies pressed against each other
Static and electrified with wanting. but a fizzing stanza! Literary pornography is an old art but handled deftly is always fresh. You have done a good job on this. I liked the "static and electrified" more for what it failed to communicate than what it did. Just the common understanding of the words added to the raw, uncomplicated passion. This is "basic instinct" stuff and you got enough of both.

The preachers words a null and void buzz apostrophe preachers but kill the cliche of this line.
A few rooms over. It’s all a meaningless hum cliche warning again. Maybe a cold and calculating rewording of this stanza would help. You do not have to write about passion with passion.....though it usually, but not always, helps. Passion causes runaway writing. Precision is the rein which turns the beast around
In the way her fingers wrap around my neck
To pull me closer, and the way she trembles
Ever so slightly as I run my fingers down her spine
Her breath catching as I provoke every tender nerve. "fingers down her spine" is probably a hole in the ground. Cliches as common as this are sometimes hard to avoid because they are so apt, and into the hole we plummet. It's not that we are accident prone...it is because we are not looking where we are going. If you think this is pompous you should know that I fall into this particular hole on a daily basis. See.... I've done it again.

Footsteps in the hallway enough to startle enough is too much
Mouths not an inch apart, as we wait
Breaths baited, tangled in each other’s limbs sorry, but those cliches keep coming errrrr.......thick and fast
For the opening of the door that never comes
Sighs of relief swallowed in mouths and tongues
To lose ourselves again in each other’s virgin promises.

And Jesus watches from a cross on the wall
Looking down at us, a silent voyeur to our passions
Two girls curled into each other, devouring each other
In a fire that no God could extinguish, or touch could sate sate is the wrong word
Secret smiles at the end of the service, bright-eyed
Like we’d felt the touch of God when nothing could be more untrue. "like we'd felt the..." is one of your trademarks. It may be that you will dig your heels in on this but "like" usually means fungible in that you should be comparing commodities which have some characteristics of equal value. Better would be "looking as though we'd felt the touch of God"

Yes. Like.
Best,
Tectak