05-09-2012, 06:20 PM
Although clear and descriptive, the lines themselves read awkwardly, or inelegantly.
I would leave the last line as
"Like we’d felt the touch of God"
leaving off the
"when nothing could be more untrue."
Here is my rationale. There is nothing of future awareness in the piece, why interject it now like it is the moral at the end of a Hans Christian Andersen story, and your audience is to dumb to draw its own conclusions?
And yes it is cliche, which would probably not be a problem if this were a description in a novel, however if it is to be a poem it must be more than it currently is. It is the difference between snapping a Polaroid of you and your friend doing something goofy, and a Dutch Master's painting. One is obviously art, while the other is just as obviously not. A Polaroid simply lacks the necessary depth to be considered art. Even if you were to claim Imagism, this is too thoroughly imbued with sentimentalism to support such a claim. All that being said, just as I might enjoy a goofy Polaroid, I find delight in your description. Of course I find delight in a well cooked roast beef, but I do not mistake it for a poem.
Dale
I would leave the last line as
"Like we’d felt the touch of God"
leaving off the
"when nothing could be more untrue."
Here is my rationale. There is nothing of future awareness in the piece, why interject it now like it is the moral at the end of a Hans Christian Andersen story, and your audience is to dumb to draw its own conclusions?
And yes it is cliche, which would probably not be a problem if this were a description in a novel, however if it is to be a poem it must be more than it currently is. It is the difference between snapping a Polaroid of you and your friend doing something goofy, and a Dutch Master's painting. One is obviously art, while the other is just as obviously not. A Polaroid simply lacks the necessary depth to be considered art. Even if you were to claim Imagism, this is too thoroughly imbued with sentimentalism to support such a claim. All that being said, just as I might enjoy a goofy Polaroid, I find delight in your description. Of course I find delight in a well cooked roast beef, but I do not mistake it for a poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.