05-07-2012, 03:25 PM
Nice alliteration. This reminds me of the earthquake one in terms of form, although this one seems not quite as tight, and a bit forced here and there. Overall it rode along nicely and even the repetition didn't really bother me.
I like this phrase "stuffed by need"
This sounds like something that is often said, yet I have never heard it.
" call win loud and whisper loss"
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You start losing me here a little
"Crushed companions waft in silk, their perfume in the smoke;
Loved up by Cuban dollared dudes, Havanna, (that can’t be her name)"
This seems to refer to something you have not set up. Where did these crushed companions come from? Whose companions are they? I suppose they must be Havana's but you have not even mentioned her at this point.
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The imagery carried me for a fair ways, but at the end I felt let down as there was nothing more ...profound!
Dale
I like this phrase "stuffed by need"
This sounds like something that is often said, yet I have never heard it.
" call win loud and whisper loss"
---------------------------------------------------------------
You start losing me here a little
"Crushed companions waft in silk, their perfume in the smoke;
Loved up by Cuban dollared dudes, Havanna, (that can’t be her name)"
This seems to refer to something you have not set up. Where did these crushed companions come from? Whose companions are they? I suppose they must be Havana's but you have not even mentioned her at this point.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The imagery carried me for a fair ways, but at the end I felt let down as there was nothing more ...profound!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.