Black Dog Days

[tectak]

Edit 1a. Philatone,billy

Black dog lies beside my bed
and dreams his dreams inside my head.
In precious time when black dog sleeps,
I lie awake whilst dread thoughts creep
into the black of black dog night ,
into the hopeless morning light,
into the next of ever days.

Black dog stalks me. Turn, he’ll follow!
He shadows dawn, makes dark tomorrow.
Coming suns are burning fires,
in darkest nights are funeral pyres,
in bright spring days a piercing beam,
in summers warm a blinding gleam;
in to the next of ever days.

Black dog faithful by my side,
He walks in shade, a constant guide.
His will prevails, I bow to him;
I turn my way but he will win.
I turn again and strain the leash
and I am dragged away from peace,
into the next of ever days.

Black dog breathes and fills my air
with stench of fear and deep despair.
Black dog growls in dreams he owns,
I feel his teeth abrade my bones,
I feel his eyes upon me fixed,
I feel his hot, abrasive licks
and I am him in ever days.

Tectak June 2011

Posted after a suitable delay following the suggestion by heslopian.
previously posted elsewhere and not yet mauled.

[billy]

will maul it tomorrow
i do like the refrain on first read.

[Philatone]

hey tec!

Black dog lies beside my bed
and dreams his dreams inside my head...becomes clearer as the poem progresses. could use a period
In precious time when black dog sleeps,
I lie awake and thoughts just seep ....the "just" kills a lot of energy; tastes like filler
Into the black of black dog night ,...I don't think "Into" needs the cap
into the hopeless morning light,
into the next of ever days.

Black dog stalks me. Turn, he’ll follow! ...tripped up over the meter a bit
He shadows dawn, makes dark tomorrow. ...great contrast of shadow and light
Coming suns are burning fires,
in darkest nights are funeral pyres.... comparing nights to funerals is wonderful
In bright spring days a piercing beam,...again, I think the cap could be lost, as well as the period after "pyres," to keep this a flowing stanza
in summers warm a blinding gleam,
in to the next of ever days.

Black dog faithful by my side,
He walks in shade, a constant guide.
His will prevails, I bow to him;
I turn my way but he will win....this line and one above felt a bit repetitive to me
I turn again and strain the leash
and I am dragged away from peace, ...I wanted something a little more tangible than "peace," but that's my preference coming through again
into the next of ever days.

Black dog breathes and fills my air
with stench of fear and deep despair. ...similar issue to the "peace" from the stanza before. what is the "stench of fear and deep despair"? I'm imagining sweat and tears; something more concrete would have grabbed me
Black dog growls in dreams he owns,
I feel his teeth abrade my bones
I feel his eyes upon me fixed,
I feel his hot, abrasive licks
and I am him in ever days. ...nice momentum in the close, and throughout the piece really
Tectak June 2011

the repetitions work well and the flow is strong.
hope some of my notes may help

[tectak]

hey tec!

Black dog lies beside my bed
and dreams his dreams inside my head...becomes clearer as the poem progresses. could use a period
In precious time when black dog sleeps,
I lie awake and thoughts just seep ....the "just" kills a lot of energy; tastes like filler
Into the black of black dog night ,...I don't think "Into" needs the cap
into the hopeless morning light,
into the next of ever days.

Black dog stalks me. Turn, he’ll follow! ...tripped up over the meter a bit
He shadows dawn, makes dark tomorrow. ...great contrast of shadow and light
Coming suns are burning fires,
in darkest nights are funeral pyres.... comparing nights to funerals is wonderful
In bright spring days a piercing beam,...again, I think the cap could be lost, as well as the period after "pyres," to keep this a flowing stanza
in summers warm a blinding gleam,
in to the next of ever days.

Black dog faithful by my side,
He walks in shade, a constant guide.
His will prevails, I bow to him;
I turn my way but he will win....this line and one above felt a bit repetitive to me
I turn again and strain the leash
and I am dragged away from peace, ...I wanted something a little more tangible than "peace," but that's my preference coming through again
into the next of ever days.

Black dog breathes and fills my air
with stench of fear and deep despair. ...similar issue to the "peace" from the stanza before. what is the "stench of fear and deep despair"? I'm imagining sweat and tears; something more concrete would have grabbed me
Black dog growls in dreams he owns,
I feel his teeth abrade my bones
I feel his eyes upon me fixed,
I feel his hot, abrasive licks
and I am him in ever days. ...nice momentum in the close, and throughout the piece really
Tectak June 2011

the repetitions work well and the flow is strong.
hope some of my notes may help

Thanks phil. The caps are errors. Probably typos but I will correct. The "just" is a failure of mine....I am a slave to meter......sometimes. I will have a look at it now.
As to the repetition and the "stench of fear", the recognised phenomena of fear being detectable in exudation or expiration or perspiration is unknown to me but well documented. Those suffering from Churchillian black dog days, and I know a few, do tend to repeat themselves in a beneath the breath cry for help, often just saying "oh god, oh god" even when they think themselves alone.
I wrestled with dragged from peace but was advised to leave it in by a very troubled lady who ran a group, in usa, helping victims of depression.....she pointed out that what most of her "victims (sic)" wanted was peace or, when black dog was beside them, release......but this is a poem and that was reality!
Thanks as always,
Tectak

[billy]

Edit 1. Philatone

Black dog lies beside my bed
and dreams his dreams inside my head.
In precious time when black dog sleeps,
I lie awake whilst my thoughts creep the 'my' feels forced, (how about black or some other word?)
into the black of black dog night ,
into the hopeless morning light,
into the next of ever days. a good solid 1st verse.

Black dog stalks me. Turn, he’ll follow!
He shadows dawn, makes dark tomorrow.
Coming suns are burning fires,
in darkest nights are funeral pyres,
in bright spring days a piercing beam,
in summers warm a blinding gleam;
in to the next of ever days.

Black dog faithful by my side,
He walks in shade, a constant guide.
His will prevails, I bow to him;
I turn my way but he will win.
I turn again and strain the leash
and I am dragged away from peace, the near rhyme just makes it
into the next of ever days.

Black dog breathes and fills my air
with stench of fear and deep despair.
Black dog growls in dreams he owns,
I feel his teeth abrade my bones,
I feel his eyes upon me fixed,
I feel his hot, abrasive licks
and I am him in ever days.

Tectak June 2011

Posted after a suitable delay following the suggestion by heslopian.
previously posted elsewhere and not yet mauled.

i'm sure i read this else where, though i can't recall.

just the one nit with the forced my. other than that no nits. i liked the repetition and the rolling refrain.
i did like that the 1st two lines gave us an insight as to what the poem was about. fear is abundant in the black dog metaphor, or should i say constant fear.
this one was hard for me, i felt changes were needed but preferred it as is...and that doesn't mean i'm on the fence. i think it's a bit primitive in places but it works. maybe thats why.

so sorry but all you get is the one nit

thanks for the read,

[tectak]

Edit 1. Philatone

Black dog lies beside my bed
and dreams his dreams inside my head.
In precious time when black dog sleeps,
I lie awake whilst my thoughts creep the 'my' feels forced, (how about black or some other word?)
into the black of black dog night ,
into the hopeless morning light,
into the next of ever days. a good solid 1st verse.

Black dog stalks me. Turn, he’ll follow!
He shadows dawn, makes dark tomorrow.
Coming suns are burning fires,
in darkest nights are funeral pyres,
in bright spring days a piercing beam,
in summers warm a blinding gleam;
in to the next of ever days.

Black dog faithful by my side,
He walks in shade, a constant guide.
His will prevails, I bow to him;
I turn my way but he will win.
I turn again and strain the leash
and I am dragged away from peace, the near rhyme just makes it
into the next of ever days.

Black dog breathes and fills my air
with stench of fear and deep despair.
Black dog growls in dreams he owns,
I feel his teeth abrade my bones,
I feel his eyes upon me fixed,
I feel his hot, abrasive licks
and I am him in ever days.

Tectak June 2011

Posted after a suitable delay following the suggestion by heslopian.
previously posted elsewhere and not yet mauled.

i'm sure i read this else where, though i can't recall.

just the one nit with the forced my. other than that no nits. i liked the repetition and the rolling refrain.
i did like that the 1st two lines gave us an insight as to what the poem was about. fear is abundant in the black dog metaphor, or should i say constant fear.
this one was hard for me, i felt changes were needed but preferred it as is...and that doesn't mean i'm on the fence. i think it's a bit primitive in places but it works. maybe thats why.

so sorry but all you get is the one nit

thanks for the read,

Thanks billy. You are absolutely right onthe "my". Your will be done.
Yes. Posted in a response,as I recall, to heslopian.
Best,
Tectak5

[billy]

Yes. Posted in a response,as I recall, to heslopian.

then it was either that bad i remembered it, or that good

[Philatone]

just quick notes on the changes

Edit 1a. Philatone,billy

Black dog lies beside my bed
and dreams his dreams inside my head.
In precious time when black dog sleeps,...I don't think the comma is necessary here, but if you're worried about not having any breaks for a few lines, I understand
I lie awake whilst dread thoughts creep...I think it's improved from before, but it still feels more formed by meter than content (it's the "whilst" for me). I won't advise changing or leaving; what 'odd' enjambments are to me, word choices determined by meter may be for you
into the black of black dog night ,
into the hopeless morning light,
into the next of ever days.

Black dog stalks me. Turn, he’ll follow!
He shadows dawn, makes dark tomorrow.
Coming suns are burning fires,
in darkest nights are funeral pyres,
in bright spring days a piercing beam,
in summers warm a blinding gleam;
in to the next of ever days.

Black dog faithful by my side,
He walks in shade, a constant guide.
His will prevails, I bow to him;
I turn my way but he will win.
I turn again and strain the leash
and I am dragged away from peace,
into the next of ever days.

Black dog breathes and fills my air
with stench of fear and deep despair.
Black dog growls in dreams he owns,
I feel his teeth abrade my bones,
I feel his eyes upon me fixed,
I feel his hot, abrasive licks
and I am him in ever days.

Tectak June 2011

Posted after a suitable delay following the suggestion by heslopian.
previously posted elsewhere and not yet mauled.

still enjoyable to read

[billy]

the small edit works well. i saw a space in front of a comma but that's about it.
my original feedback stands without the nit