On the Black

[Philatone]

hello tec!
in my first reading of this, I like the topic. At times, however, the description overwhelms the action for me; entire stanzas succeed only in describing, and the relaying of what happens comes off as direct. That being said

On the Black

Blasted fortunes flung to perish, static cracks the skies...I appreciate the dramatic effect, but it almost feels too heavy
where suns and sons quick wagers struck;... in some ways, I think just "sons" works and still allows for the word play with sounds. I think it would work because the last line just ended on "skies"
gauntled by whirling wheels, un-slapped cheeks
so red, through spoke-blurred numbers; ...may want to recheck the punctuation to be sure it is what you intended
Black comes the passion of wild excess....in some ways, eliminating "the passion" makes the sentiment more immediate and stronger: Black comes wild excess (or something of that nature. probably is just me)

Turn again, the wheel, the cheek;
Turn again. ...imagined "fortune" itself

Lofted by a streak called luck and dashed a million times
Like sailors berthed in china town, stuffed by need
To burn the bridge; no returns means no return. ...like the idea. "means" felt a little strong, would have liked something more subtle
Call it whilst the risk is high, call win loud and whisper loss, ...like this line as well
Black feeds the passion of wild excess.

Turn again, the wheel, the cheek;
Turn again.

Crushed companions waft in silk, their perfume in the smoke;
Loved up by Cuban dollared dudes, Havanna, (that can’t be her name)
Slides slippery and oozing need; some call it want, some call it greed.
With gloss red claws on beige she helps him count and smiles.
How black the passion of wild excess…...the next few stanzas are an example of what struck me as stanzas with little action to guide them

Turn again, the wheel, the cheek;
Turn again.

Unfettered by the baying block, the jury to his trial,
Havannah slips into his space, alive with moments dripped in sweat; ..."alive" describes "his space" or "Havannah"?
cool trepidation, strange they met, not speaking yet so close,
so soon; a spin between two sheets, and a proposition made.
So black the passion of wild excess….

Turn again, the wheel, the cheek;
Turn again.

Fortune smiles and leaves the room, no one sees her go. ...the line felt prolonged and direct, especially with the "no on sees her go". a word like "unnoticed" conveys the same sentiment while saving space
The wheel, disturbed by butterflies wings, randomly proceeds....the "butterflies" should be possessive?
The system lurches back and forth in evens, odds and highs. ..."highs" was used earlier (s3)
Gauntlets gone, the suns will set, the wagers whisky drowned. ..."wagers" should be possessive as well
Black turns the passion of wild excess.

Please turn once more, the wheel, the cheek; ...in some ways, keeping the "again" instead of "once more" felt stronger to me. Additionally, if the "Please" is moved to the stanza above, the entire refrain could be maintained while maintaining that sense of pleading
Turn again.

...with the change in the refrain, I thought the poem had ended. In some ways, I liked ending on the stanza above more than this dramatic finish

Havannah rises, walks away, back into smoking night.
She turns again, the wheel is still, her lingered lust declines.
He looks her way; she stops, but sees the empty beggar’s hands
Her smile has changed to match the loss, to crush him into dust
Black is the passion of wild excess.

Tectak
2012

hopefully some of these prove helpful. I liked the idea of this, but the execution left me wanting a little more.