Hourglass

[tectak]

V. 2



Back from the hospital,This line and the next kind of reverse into each other, neither line looking where it is going. It is almost as if the way back from the hospital is through the fridge! Needs clearer intent. " I am back from the hospital. Not really hungry but need comfort food. In the back of the fridge I find......" etc.
I found a plate of tangerine slices
frosted in the back of the fridge.

Those peeled curls, unfastened, returned my thoughts to you, Connection is close enough to use "the" instead of "those". "Those" always implies selectivity. When there are many choices you define which you want by saying "those apples/sausages/gloves/etc". When there is no choice you say "the apples/sausages/peeled curls"
wilted in a slender gown in a sterile room,
your age stripping color from hair like bark.I see some like this. I do not. It is one of those riffs which sound as if it makes sense until you examine it. What is like bark? The "stripping" action, the colour or the hair? " Age streaks your hair, like bark is stripped from old trees ". Still not good but it is your poem

Separated for a night, we still count
what neither of us can measure, from a kitchen Again, not precise enough to "get" on a read. By using "from a kitchen" you introduce duality of meaning. "From" can mean "source" or it can be the linkage in a "range" as in "from a to z". I know you mean it as a "range" so: "...what we cannot measure; not standing in this kitchen nor whilst strapped to a machine"
or while strapped to a machine. A tally of hours Well. You know my thoughts on this stanza "break". It will not become an issue. I give up.You win

may grow to days or crumble into seconds of sand Why bring in "of sand"? It was just fine as it was, but extended the sentence length until it became unstable.
during a shift of sleep in a familiar bed
or as I eat the fruit set to spoil. Cold,AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! Oh, sorry about that. I just fell of a steep enjambment which I didn't expect to see here

one slice is lifted away, then another,
before the dish loses its citric patients, "Until" is better than "before".Maybe "citrus" is less insulting!
its finish so clear, unstained. White. ...but a great metaphor, nonetheless. Last triplet/stanza/thingy is, for me, the best.

I like.

Best,
tectak





V. 1

Back from the hospital,
I found a plate of tangerine slices,
frosted in the back of the fridge.

Those peeled curls, huddled without their shell,
returned my thoughts to you, wilted in a slender gown,
your age stripping color from hair like bark.

For now, we count what none of us can measure
from a kitchen or while strapped to a machine.
A tally of hours may grow to days

or shrivel into sand, making it hard
to take this shift of sleep in a familiar bed,
eat the food set to spoil. Cold,

one slice is lifted away, then another,
before the dish loses its citric guests,
its finish so clear, unstained. White.