First Last Thoughts

[tectak]

First last thoughts.

This arrow sharp and slick that scrapes the long cut grave cuts me;
and flying o'er the old and friendly earth, bleeds life away with every nick and scratch.
I furl the dated pages to escape; damn this inevitable shift from present to future past.
Myopic now, I fail to see the writing writ by me. The arrow goes its way.

This arrow fast and faster yet, lands not where I can see; so are these eyes then closed?
If all the fastness ended and dropped the piercing tip, is this the spot where I at last would lay?
Would love and peace and joy and grief and fear and envy die that day?
But then what would I be? The arrow goes its way.

The arrow flies and neither flesh nor blood of man, can change its course nor save from buried plight.
Deep earthed in darkness roam the ghosts of those who thought an end; blind bliss, but what of me?
Glass mirrors make soft judgement through lensed eyes, but sharp the view of distant fields
Where hitting down the one last time I meet you all.
Not all; look back! The arrow goes  its way.

Tectak 2010

[billy]

i really really liked this on the first read, and the 2nd, and the 3rd.
i have no nits though there must be some. i like it too much to squander nits on it.
i think the last stanza if bloody marvellous. i can feel the voice of the speaker, deep and rich. Burtonesque.
the repetition in this, the refrain; works extremely well. it's just one of those times when all i have is praise. (sorry )

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

i really really liked this on the first read, and the 2nd, and the 3rd.
i have no nits though there must be some. i like it too much to squander nits on it.
i think the last stanza if bloody marvellous. i can feel the voice of the speaker, deep and rich. Burtonesque.
the repetition in this, the refrain; works extremely well. it's just one of those times when all i have is praise. (sorry )

thanks for the read.

Yep.....as I thought. Still asleep.

Thanks for nothing billy
Best,
Tectak

[addy]

That last paragraph is stunning; it's where the poem really hit its stride. The first two were a bit slow-going but lovely nonetheless. The second stanza is my least favorite: I don't think anything particularly interesting grips me from it... L3 in particular lets you down, I think, marring an otherwise great piece. Just imo, though.

[tectak]

That last paragraph is stunning; it's where the poem really hit its stride. The first two were a bit slow-going but lovely nonetheless. The second stanza is my least favorite: I don't think anything particularly interesting grips me from it... L3 in particular lets you down, I think, marring an otherwise great piece. Just imo, though.

Thanks addy. That bloody third line s2 annoys me, too. I keep leaving out a word tgen sticking it back in again. Right now I am happy with it but tomorrow...who knows! Any suggestions welcome. Credit will be given!
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

i know this may seem sill and i do like it as is, but you did ask for any suggestions

would it make it more comely if you changed fastness to fast or faster? i took a liberty with "the" as well
so from
If all the fastness ended and dropped the piercing tip, is this the spot where I at last would lay?
to
If all the fast ended and dropped its piercing tip, is this the spot where I at last would lay?
or
If all the faster ended and dropped its piercing tip, is this the spot where I at last would lay?

not much of a suggestion i know, but it's all i could come up with.