04-27-2012, 07:10 PM
Welcome to the forums PP!
I would also suggest using punctuation; in general, it makes it easier for the reader to read and follow your narrative comfortably by delineating which ideas/ lines run together and at what points. All in all it just makes for an easier reading experience
I think you can trim this down quite a bit. I suggest playing around some more with the pacing of events; right now everything reads as a rather slow plodding place (it doesn't seem to peak or ebb anywhere), but you could switch that up in the parts where you are trying to express intrigue and tension in order to give the narrative some dynamic. For instance, in line 13 and 14 is a sort of "reveal" about the pine tree, but until that point I hadn't felt any tension about this hidden secret. Maybe if you quickened the pace of the narration or made the narrative observations more anxious right before the reveal it would add that extra dash of drama. Just as an example:
"Hours tick away as I roam inside..."
VS.
"Hours gone by the time i make it..."
Not that the second line is prettier than the first, but there is a stronger sense of excitement/ urgency, and therefore becomes more dramatically engaging (given that you narrate actions/ events throughout majority of the poem). These are just mild comments though, to give you some idea of how to polish and tighten up the poem. As was said before, its got pretty good foundations
I would also suggest using punctuation; in general, it makes it easier for the reader to read and follow your narrative comfortably by delineating which ideas/ lines run together and at what points. All in all it just makes for an easier reading experience
I think you can trim this down quite a bit. I suggest playing around some more with the pacing of events; right now everything reads as a rather slow plodding place (it doesn't seem to peak or ebb anywhere), but you could switch that up in the parts where you are trying to express intrigue and tension in order to give the narrative some dynamic. For instance, in line 13 and 14 is a sort of "reveal" about the pine tree, but until that point I hadn't felt any tension about this hidden secret. Maybe if you quickened the pace of the narration or made the narrative observations more anxious right before the reveal it would add that extra dash of drama. Just as an example:
"Hours tick away as I roam inside..."
VS.
"Hours gone by the time i make it..."
Not that the second line is prettier than the first, but there is a stronger sense of excitement/ urgency, and therefore becomes more dramatically engaging (given that you narrate actions/ events throughout majority of the poem). These are just mild comments though, to give you some idea of how to polish and tighten up the poem. As was said before, its got pretty good foundations
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?