Hourglass

[billy]

V. 2

Back from the hospital, is this line needed, it weakens the plot.
I found a plate of tangerine slices
frosted in the back of the fridge.

Those peeled curls, unfastened, returned my thoughts to you,
wilted in a slender gown in a sterile room,
your age stripping color from hair like bark. what a great image

Separated for a night, we still count
what neither of us can measure, from a kitchen
or while strapped to a machine. A tally of hours

may grow to days or crumble into seconds of sand
during a shift of sleep in a familiar bed
or as I eat the fruit set to spoil. Cold,

one slice is lifted away, then another,
before the dish loses its citric patients,
its finish so clear, unstained. White.

i just pointed out one good line but there are a good few. i have no nits per say, i just feel the format could be really improved
just an idea;


I found a plate of tangerine
slices, frosted at the back of the fridge.

like i say it's just a suggestion at best but i think you could express an already good poem better with a bit of re arranging, not sure the three line thing you're now into helps this one much.
thanks for the read.