04-19-2012, 12:16 PM
(04-18-2012, 05:11 AM)Philatone Wrote: our vase is emptyHi, Phil! This is a really wonderful, painful piece. I digested it as the anniversary of a stillbirth, and as such (for me) it's quite effective. The only nit I have is I think you should capitalize the opening line.
like a womb.
Petals limped from the counter Your verb tense changed here.That being said, I enjoy the correlation between empty womb and 'water was unhooked'
as her water was unhooked
and released into the sink.
We found her a cabinet
to stay where dust grays
every curve of glass Curve foreshadows hollow nicely.
behind a thick door to silence Excellently melancholic strophe. Thirst conveys many levels of need and obsession.
the thirst that will come;
day or night,
shadow hollows her stomach From here to the end I was breathless. I love the juxtaposition with quarry/roses. The softness of a full 'blossoming' womb makes the hard hollowness all the more rough.
into a quarry
where roses once opened,
blossomed, kneeled,
and hung. Immediately brought to mind an infant strangled by its own umbilical cord.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?

