After the anniversary
#2
(04-18-2012, 05:11 AM)Philatone Wrote:  our vase is empty
like a womb.

Petals limped from the counter Your verb tense changed here.That being said, I enjoy the correlation between empty womb and 'water was unhooked'
as her water was unhooked

and released into the sink.
We found her a cabinet

to stay where dust grays
every curve of glass Curve foreshadows hollow nicely.

behind a thick door to silence Excellently melancholic strophe. Thirst conveys many levels of need and obsession.
the thirst that will come;

day or night,
shadow hollows her stomach From here to the end I was breathless. I love the juxtaposition with quarry/roses. The softness of a full 'blossoming' womb makes the hard hollowness all the more rough.

into a quarry
where roses once opened,

blossomed, kneeled,
and hung. Immediately brought to mind an infant strangled by its own umbilical cord.
Hi, Phil! This is a really wonderful, painful piece. I digested it as the anniversary of a stillbirth, and as such (for me) it's quite effective. The only nit I have is I think you should capitalize the opening line.

PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Messages In This Thread
After the anniversary - by Philatone - 04-18-2012, 05:11 AM
RE: After the anniversary - by Aish - 04-19-2012, 12:16 PM
RE: After the anniversary - by Philatone - 04-19-2012, 12:37 PM
RE: After the anniversary - by Aish - 04-19-2012, 02:49 PM
RE: After the anniversary - by billy - 04-20-2012, 10:12 AM
RE: After the anniversary - by tectak - 04-23-2012, 05:59 PM
RE: After the anniversary - by Philatone - 04-21-2012, 11:47 AM
RE: After the anniversary - by addy - 04-23-2012, 11:08 AM
RE: After the anniversary - by Philatone - 04-24-2012, 01:27 PM



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