Doubt of Silence

[Philatone]

V. 2 edited out the "that"s

Doubt of Silence

It is late to send a call
miles down a serrated coast
to reach your dial tone.

But, like the time between
an arrival and an embrace,

the waiting for your voice
to click into focus
lifts the receiver,

the longing for an answer
decrypts ten digits

while the doubt of silence
gives enough patience
to follow the lecture of every ring

with enough impatience
to call again.



original

Doubt of Silence

It is late to send a call
miles down a serrated coast
to reach your dial tone.

But, like the time between
an arrival and an embrace

it is the waiting for your voice
to click into focus
that lifts the receiver,

the longing for an answer
that decrypts ten digits,

the doubt of silence
that gives enough patience
to follow the lecture of every ring

with enough impatience
to call again.

[Aish]

It is late to send a call
miles down a serrated coast This is a great line, and I'm digging the whole of the opening strophe.
to reach your dial tone.

But, like the time between
an arrival and an embrace

it is the waiting for your voice
to click into focus
that lifts the receiver,

the longing for an answer
that decrypts ten digits,

the doubt of silence
that gives enough patience
to follow the lecture of every ring

with enough impatience
to call again.

Very quickly, you kept your tone and the subject well throughout the piece. I enjoyed some of your choices especially strophes 2-4, as well as your summation at the end. The mix of frustration and excitement is quite humanistic.

[Philatone]

thanks for the quick read and positive words, aish. really appreciated them!

while not suggested or mentioned, i tried a slightly revamped version that cuts out the extraneous "thats" while hopefully keeping the emotion.

[tectak]

V. 2 edited out the "that"s

Doubt of Silence

It is late to send a call
miles down a serrated coast
to reach your dial tone.

But, like the time between
an arrival and an embrace,

the waiting for your voice
to click into focus
lifts the receiver,

the longing for an answer
decrypts ten digits

while the doubt of silence
gives enough patience
to follow the lecture of every ring

with enough impatience
to call again.



original

Doubt of Silence

It is late to send a call
miles down a serrated coast
to reach your dial tone.

But, like the time between
an arrival and an embrace

it is the waiting for your voice
to click into focus
that lifts the receiver,

the longing for an answer
that decrypts ten digits,

the doubt of silence
that gives enough patience
to follow the lecture ofevery ring

with enough impatience
to call again.

This is a nice cameo piece which I felt deserved a plaudit. Though you are insistent on your peculiar structure, which incidentally works in this piece, I cannot believe you actually decided that the ringtone in the caller's ear could provide a rhythm...... but it does. In fact, I could not get the repetative daaah-daaah out of my head as I read!
The encapsulated thought is just made enough of, and does not drag on interminably. I once described your work as a continual, and continuous, attempt to make sense out of simplicity by over complicated peregrinations; but though there are still some peculiarities of word use, (lecture of every ring, voice in focus that lifts a receiver?) I do not feel that this would be sufficient cause for a critical blue funk. Yes....it is a neat piece and I would say the best fromou that I have read.
If I could offer one small suggestion it would be to NOT break the piece up into stanzas AT ALL but to let it run at its own pace....after all, it is but one thought without any suggestion that the reader should hack into your personal call. Putting gaps between stanzas encourages readers to examine each stanza on its own. This is not required nor is it necessary.
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

V. 2 edited out the "that"s

Doubt of Silence

It is late to send a call
miles down a serrated coast
to reach your dial tone.

But, like the time between
an arrival and an embrace,

the waiting for your voice
to click into focus
lifts the receiver, this works if you "the person" is the receiver and your spirit is being lifted, if that's not the intent , would 'and lift the receiver' work better. though it does work in either way

the longing for an answer
decrypts ten digits

while the doubt of silence
gives enough patience
to follow the lecture of every ring

with enough impatience
to call again.

the point i made is just and either or, the thing does work well for me. i do like the two, three, two ,three, thing you have going on and i think it shows you're thinking about more than churning something out. i do prefer this format to the couplet format you normally use

the ending says it all, i like the idea of the phone communicating something with you as well. it adds to the impatience.

thanks for the read

[Philatone]

tec
-your words are kind; thank you for them! I'm considering blending the lines together as you suggested; even if I don't edit here, I may do so in my own document. something to think about. I do like how they reinforce the ringing of a phone, though. appreciate your time.

billy-
will have a look; at the moment, am tempted to keep as is. I'm glad you like the structure; know I'm never interested in churning things out just for the sake of writing!! yeah, i have had quite a few couplety-ones recently, though I think I'm breaking from it slowly.
glad you liked the ending; thanks for the time!