(adult sexual content) Motionless

[tectak]

v2.0 (completing the image, for now, more adult stuff later, reworked)

"Motionless"

Still, lying sprawled across the bed, she acts asleep
Youthful white leg wide open to the left, as in death or doll
The feminine body compliant to all manner of pushing, positioning,


Thrusting,
That he will do.
Frenzied, overjoyed with his toy every time
New position, new novelty. Such a faithful pet


Exhales shakily through innate animal urges,
At the peaks of muscle use,
Desperate to fulfill himself
Thighs failing, overcome this time somehow
As she'd called him 'brother'


Their understanding is logical, convenient
A particular social anomaly, valuable for him,
Only possible when all is communicated
It's all the more beautiful because.


Others in the world
Not part of this beauty, blind to such sacrifice
Of individuality itself, pushing the self into servitude
For this is the only way to exist
So motionless and of any human contempt, free

(end)


v1.0 Original

Still, lying still
The feminine body obedient to any pushing, lifting,

Thrusting,
That he will do.


"Great.. that was great"
Amazing, novel but erotically exciting
This sick perversion, 'fetish' behaviour
That he will get all the girls to do.


A motionless body is innocent,
Primal rage psychology tells us.
Purity at any cost,
More fuel for the sexually instinctual fire,
Never satiated.


Shocked, you shouldn't be
This is the ideal in Japan.
You need only look, for something to blame,
At your own negligence to be
So motionless and of contempt, free

(end)

I know I need to refine that first 4 line verse, it's first draft
I also need to really pinpoint why the feminine image being abused is so wrong. It's not substantial enough (portraying a theme or view)

And I really haven't edited the last verse either yet but I want to really convey this helplessness of being human = being held in contempt, undoubtedly, by someone.

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

I come to this cold and would prefer , as always, to comment on the structure and thence effectiveness in what the piece is saying to me. After the first read I felt that it was a complete non-event in that the story was so old and worn out as to be verging on tedious. Having read your ethos, perhaps too strong a word, I am convinced that you believe that this is a "new" subject. I note todd's comments and have to agree. The pornographic implications in this are a little less than the illustrated Kama Sutra would bring to youporn and so you begin with a disadvantage. I sympathise with what you say you are trying to say but do not believe you. In order to "shock" the reader in this ocean you need to push the boat out into very deep waters. This you have not done.
Now, as this piece relies almost totally on content over context there is little else to add without becoming over critical.......which I hope I never am.
I would very much like to see some other work before I commit the greatest sin of all and categorise you on a single effort.
In truth, there are some observational highs in this piece but the translation into the written word falls short almost everytime. This is like a good singer singing the wrong song.......then when asked it turns out to be a self composition
Just for the record......I guess we've all been there. Don't hang about. Move on.
Best,
Tectak