unnamed poem

[Philatone]

hey chaotic!

i admire going back to revise older works from years past; it's something I struggle with myself, so to see you doing it may inspire me

...I notice you avoid titles. For me, they are like keys to a car, they really are an important first step just in getting things moving. Now, not all cars have keys I suppose (especially with technology). But, they still offer a lot and are practical for orientating the action

From this womb of narcissism and eternal sunshine I look out, on a whim
To see sheer blindness and hate coursing through you, who is in front of me
Beyond the saving reach of any power I might have possessed, in a future world
...I don't have a lot of images to grab me. Even "eternal sunshine" is a bit difficult for me to imagine. In all, the abstractions (blindness, hate, power, even this "you," who is not described by any other means) leave me reading without developing as strong a connection as I could have

Your expectations corrode me, a grand spectacle of skill is worth ten seconds of fame ...I like the sentiments of the line, and the word choice (corrode is great). I'm not seeing a tight connection between the lines of this stanza
You strive to make me love but I forgot how to.
Still I resolve that I'm stronger today than yesterday,...does strength relate to love, and if so, how? it's a question I think this part would need to confront
My emotions nulled and ego destroyed,
A cost I'm always willing to pay


I vow to change you even if you hate me.
Even if I grow and change and throw my past(human) self away. ....this felt like it had several missed opportunities to something more. figurative language. some kind of comparison. particularly, I'm looking at the "throw my past (human) self-away"


I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me
And wish that I was blind again


Oh, society...now this is just dramatic. I think "again'' offers a stronger close

(end)

This is a second draft of a poem from 2 years ago originally
The messages are a little conflicted and blurred because of the second draft changes conflicting

But I really want to know what people think this means

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

i hope some of this is helpful!