(adult sexual content) Motionless

[Chaotic Body]

make it your POV be the baddie or be the goody be a bystander. show us how such a thing makes you feel. push the envelope by all means. use imagery in the narration as well as other things. add depth to it. give some markers to the reader. if the poem is supposed to have adult content, give it some. make it gritty and dirty.
thanks for the read

Wow that's some really great advice, much needed too.

Not to say that cerebral can't be visceral if done right, and I think there is definitely room to make the action more visceral than it is at the moment.

One way I could think of is to make it a first person POV (of the agressor), and then screw it up a little more by casting the audience in the "passive body" role, deliberately reducing them.

I actually thought of this and I've done that a little in my first revision now, but I have no idea how to pull off exactly what you mean! Feel free to show me using this writing, but I won't be able to without some good examples

readers will see this actions and draw their own conclusions, which will always be stronger than informing them of how to feel.

I hope this can be helpful. to summarize, I think the opening has promise that slowly trickles away as the poem progresses.
i'll be waiting for an edit; it's an important topic and it has a lot of potential

Thanks for that analysis

In particular that I was completely leading the thought process, I had no idea haha


I was trying to mix in too many different ideas. I'm not even sure if I have enough space to justify this story I created and tie it to the ending stanza and even if I do, I'm now worried it's an unnatural twist away from something that's supposed to be, chiefly, descriptive!!