(adult sexual content) Motionless

[billy]

if you want an untainted view of what we think, don't tell us too much about it in the footnotes. (and that title thing again )

Still, lying still
The feminine body obedient to any pushing, lifting,

Thrusting,
That he will do.


"Great.. that was great"
Amazing, novel but erotically exciting
This sick perversion, 'fetish' behaviour
That he will get all the girls to do.


A motionless body is innocent,
Primal rage psychology tells us.
Purity at any cost,
More fuel for the sexually instinctual fire,
Never satiated. if you make a statement make a powerful one


Shocked, you shouldn't be
This is the ideal in Japan.
You need only look, for something to blame,
At your own negligence to be
So motionless and of contempt, free

(end)

I know I need to refine that first 4 line verse, it's first draft
I also need to really pinpoint why the feminine image being abused is so wrong. It's not substantial enough (portraying a theme or view)

And I really haven't edited the last verse either yet but I want to really convey this helplessness of being human = being held in contempt, undoubtedly, by someone.

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

make it your POV be the baddie or be the goody be a bystander. show us how such a thing makes you feel. push the envelope by all means. use imagery in the narration as well as other things. add depth to it. give some markers to the reader. if the poem is supposed to have adult content, give it some. make it gritty and dirty.
thanks for the read