unnamed poem

[billy]

i think unnamed poem, and untitled poem are two phrases which detract from whatever is written below them. while we may be workshopping a poem it's often best to have an outline title at least.

From this womb of narcissism and eternal sunshine I look out, on a whim
To see sheer blindness and hate coursing through you, who is in front of me
Beyond the saving reach of any power I might have possessed, in a future world
while it feels poetic, it does so overly. because of this it doesn't feel as strong as i expect it should

Your expectations corrode me, a grand spectacle of skill is worth ten seconds of fame the sentence starts well then feels let down by the weak statement. [/b]
You strive to make me love but I forgot how to. is 'to' needed?
Still I resolve that I'm stronger today than yesterday,
My emotions nulled and ego destroyed, doesn't sound narcissistic
A cost I'm always willing to pay


I vow to change you even if you hate me.
Even if I grow and change and throw my past(human) self away. feels too prose


I'm tormented knowing you'll never understand me
And wish that I was blind again


Oh, society

(end)

This is a second draft of a poem from 2 years ago originally
The messages are a little conflicted and blurred because of the second draft changes conflicting

But I really want to know what people think this means

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

i get a feeling of godhead in there and i do think there's a strong base to build on, that said, i don't think it said much, it needs to be cut down and then rebuilt with feeling, it also needs the use of a couple of poetic devices, a metaphor or two. the analogy in the poem was a bit weak. strengthen it up if you can.
it did feel original in main and worth working on.

thanks for the read, great to see your 1st poem
billy