(adult sexual content) Motionless

[Philatone]

hello chaotic! i hope this finds you well
some thoughts

Still, lying still ..considered dropping the second "still"
The feminine body obedient to any pushing, lifting, ...I would delete "lifting" to add more of a comparison to "thrusting"

Thrusting,
That he will do....i like this line, and how it's separated. gives a sense of finality, but also conveys the future and possibility


"Great.. that was great"
Amazing, novel but erotically exciting
This sick perversion, 'fetish' behaviour
That he will get all the girls to do. ...hmm. I think these emotional descriptions take away from what preceded it. removing it would let the reader alone with what to think


A motionless body is innocent,
Primal rage psychology tells us.
Purity at any cost,
More fuel for the sexually instinctual fire,
Never satiated....i felt like the speaker was directing me with the tone. heavy on description, but not much for imagination


Shocked, you shouldn't be
This is the ideal in Japan.
You need only look, for something to blame,
At your own negligence to be
So motionless and of contempt, free ...similar sentiments to the stanza above

(end)

I know I need to refine that first 4 line verse, it's first draft
I also need to really pinpoint why the feminine image being abused is so wrong. It's not substantial enough (portraying a theme or view)

And I really haven't edited the last verse either yet but I want to really convey this helplessness of being human = being held in contempt, undoubtedly, by someone.

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

again, sticking to the action would help leave the reader with a stronger impact. it seems by your description that you're interested in an emotional goal ("I also need to really pinpoint why the feminine image being abused is so wrong." "I want to really convey this helplessness of being human"). I think that by instead keeping the object of the speaker (the girl) less human and appear more like material, it will appear more twisted than by simply stating "this is awful". readers will see this actions and draw their own conclusions, which will always be stronger than informing them of how to feel.

I hope this can be helpful. to summarize, I think the opening has promise that slowly trickles away as the poem progresses.
i'll be waiting for an edit; it's an important topic and it has a lot of potential