Hi Chaotic Body welcome to the site. Here are some comments for you.
Playing off of Dale's earlier point, the point of view you choose for a poem (or any bit of writing for that matter) opens up certain opportunities: to show helplessness in any way that has emotional impact you have to come at it from the victim's perspective. If you focus on the perp you can show how they are the hero in their own mind and how it's all justified somehow.
It's also hard to make unconsciousness helplessness interesting. There's nothing at stake for the woman. She may as well be a corpse. If you abuse her in front of her tied up child (for example) though well you raise the stakes. There has to be someone struggling to stop it all for there to be any intensity.
It's also very hard to compete with visual media. A picture or a film will always trump a graphic written display. The way a poem can trump film is by what it implies but doesn't show us. You need more implication and less display. The slasher advancing slowly and the car that won't turn over are always more scary than the actual killing.
Just a few thoughts,
Todd
Playing off of Dale's earlier point, the point of view you choose for a poem (or any bit of writing for that matter) opens up certain opportunities: to show helplessness in any way that has emotional impact you have to come at it from the victim's perspective. If you focus on the perp you can show how they are the hero in their own mind and how it's all justified somehow.
It's also hard to make unconsciousness helplessness interesting. There's nothing at stake for the woman. She may as well be a corpse. If you abuse her in front of her tied up child (for example) though well you raise the stakes. There has to be someone struggling to stop it all for there to be any intensity.
It's also very hard to compete with visual media. A picture or a film will always trump a graphic written display. The way a poem can trump film is by what it implies but doesn't show us. You need more implication and less display. The slasher advancing slowly and the car that won't turn over are always more scary than the actual killing.
Just a few thoughts,
Todd
(04-13-2012, 04:45 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: Still, lying still
The feminine body obedient to any pushing, lifting,
Thrusting,
That he will do.
"Great.. that was great"
Amazing, novel but erotically exciting
This sick perversion, 'fetish' behaviour
That he will get all the girls to do.
A motionless body is innocent,
Primal rage psychology tells us.
Purity at any cost,
More fuel for the sexually instinctual fire,
Never satiated.
Shocked, you shouldn't be
This is the ideal in Japan.
You need only look, for something to blame,
At your own negligence to be
So motionless and of contempt, free
(end)
I know I need to refine that first 4 line verse, it's first draft
I also need to really pinpoint why the feminine image being abused is so wrong. It's not substantial enough (portraying a theme or view)
And I really haven't edited the last verse either yet but I want to really convey this helplessness of being human = being held in contempt, undoubtedly, by someone.
All criticism welcomed & appreciated
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson