(adult sexual content) Motionless

[Chaotic Body]

Thanks

The more personal, the more impact. Try "her" instead of "The feminine body" et al.

The image I want is a female body sprawled motionless across a bed, I could use those words, making it personal detracts from what I want to do: shock the reader with the calm objectifying, do you know if this would still work?

if you want to convey " helplessness"

I don't want to convey helplessness of anyone in particular, just, helplessness of being human (and this might be a huge mistake to have made because I started out with the above notion and worked this one into the last part, yeah)

Why you feel the need...

Don't know what you mean by this

however, no depth can be achieved from the perspective of the perpetrator as that view is purely objectified and generally lacking in emotional content. However, unless you have a personal reason for exploring this type of material, I would choose a different subject and table this for later exploration when you have exhausted other possibilities. The idea of helplessness can be explored elsewhere without trying to handle the ancillary aspects of this particular subject.

*Should* I be trying to build depth in these people? Will that help with this kind of material?

Okay, I will try another subject, but I don't think it can be so powerful as when using these particular images, I wrote about this because it was easy

As to form. The syntactical switch in the last stanza seems a tad over the top, and I think you are leaning a bit heavily on the rhyme to pull together the verse that generally reads as a bit stilted. I would look at adding a bit more cadence overall.

It feels over the top? I thought it was effective, particularly as the last word is 'free'? I wasn't consciously trying to rhyme but maybe it's taking from the effect of the last line..

Can you point me to some good examples for poems with a lot of cadence?

I know the last verse is very different

Are you saying the last couple of lines are artificially formal somehow?