04-13-2012, 05:48 AM
The more personal, the more impact. Try "her" instead of "The feminine body" et al.
However, if you want to convey " helplessness" it will need to be 1st person victim point of view. Why you feel the need... however, no depth can be achieved from the perspective of the perpetrator as that view is purely objectified and generally lacking in emotional content. However, unless you have a personal reason for exploring this type of material, I would choose a different subject and table this for later exploration when you have exhausted other possibilities. The idea of helplessness can be explored elsewhere without trying to handle the ancillary aspects of this particular subject.
As to form. The syntactical switch in the last stanza seems a tad over the top, and I think you are leaning a bit heavily on the rhyme to pull together the verse that generally reads as a bit stilted. I would look at adding a bit more cadence overall.
Dale
However, if you want to convey " helplessness" it will need to be 1st person victim point of view. Why you feel the need... however, no depth can be achieved from the perspective of the perpetrator as that view is purely objectified and generally lacking in emotional content. However, unless you have a personal reason for exploring this type of material, I would choose a different subject and table this for later exploration when you have exhausted other possibilities. The idea of helplessness can be explored elsewhere without trying to handle the ancillary aspects of this particular subject.
As to form. The syntactical switch in the last stanza seems a tad over the top, and I think you are leaning a bit heavily on the rhyme to pull together the verse that generally reads as a bit stilted. I would look at adding a bit more cadence overall.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.