04-05-2012, 04:03 AM
when I read this, there is a lot going on. I think picking 2-3 of the images in the following section and elaborating on them could make it a stronger piece:
Dead bodies in his attic
I smelled their remains;
the stench from his insightful heart,
his lies and half-truths.
I saw the sniggering halfwit in full light
insane ramblings from a lunatic.
A Pandora’s box, unwittingly opened.
I am his doppelgänger, he abhors my presence;
cold hatred, heartless, devoid of feeling
turning the spit of hell, on which he is impaled
conscience, scolding with delight
as is, there is a lot to take in, which in turn weakens every image. nothing gets focused on for longer than a line or two.
additionally, I think your L3 would make a stronger opening; dropping the first two lines didn't seem to detract from the meaning for me
Dead bodies in his attic
I smelled their remains;
the stench from his insightful heart,
his lies and half-truths.
I saw the sniggering halfwit in full light
insane ramblings from a lunatic.
A Pandora’s box, unwittingly opened.
I am his doppelgänger, he abhors my presence;
cold hatred, heartless, devoid of feeling
turning the spit of hell, on which he is impaled
conscience, scolding with delight
as is, there is a lot to take in, which in turn weakens every image. nothing gets focused on for longer than a line or two.
additionally, I think your L3 would make a stronger opening; dropping the first two lines didn't seem to detract from the meaning for me
Written only for you to consider.