03-20-2012, 10:12 AM
Hi Mark,
I'm getting a hillbilly cannibal or a werewolf read on this one. A couple of quick observations:
Try to build the poem from the lines that really matter. For instance L1 could stand alone from the first strophe. I don't need the woods or the river just the stealth and the motion, the careless movement.
L5-7 works for me because it says monster and points to something happening.
L8-9 Is somewhat sparse you could cut things like until the moment and just stick with the action. You could choose to rearrange the line to break on bark to point back to the barking dogs...something like
...until the bark
of his gun
I'll stop there since we're in mild, but my main advice is to ask yourself what are the best lines and start cutting the others. You could probably cut half of this and have something stronger with more tension.
I do think there's something here and it would be worth it to see it come out.
Best,
Todd
I'm getting a hillbilly cannibal or a werewolf read on this one. A couple of quick observations:
Try to build the poem from the lines that really matter. For instance L1 could stand alone from the first strophe. I don't need the woods or the river just the stealth and the motion, the careless movement.
L5-7 works for me because it says monster and points to something happening.
L8-9 Is somewhat sparse you could cut things like until the moment and just stick with the action. You could choose to rearrange the line to break on bark to point back to the barking dogs...something like
...until the bark
of his gun
I'll stop there since we're in mild, but my main advice is to ask yourself what are the best lines and start cutting the others. You could probably cut half of this and have something stronger with more tension.
I do think there's something here and it would be worth it to see it come out.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson