Dreadnought (A Re-Write)

[Philatone]

hello mark

there is a lot to dig through here. on a very side note, I think your title will lead people to think of ships, which will direct their interpretation for some time, especially as the instrument (i believe) does not appear for some time. that, in and of itself, is not a problem, but I just wanted to explain. perhaps bringing up a mention (however slight) of the guitar a little sooner could act as a guide.

that said, a light line-by

Soft on the road like a tumbleweed,
through the thick mass of pines,
down by the river I rambled.

In the light of this new day
there are no barking dogs
and men with torches--
only sunny knolls for me to top....this is a lot of backstory I don't think anyone needs to get attached to. the poem still starts fine after this

A shack, fenced by the trees,
hidden-- until the moment his gun barked.

His scent whispered through like a resin kiss
loud enough that he surely had heard.
In rough-spun and waders,
he gave no sign . . . he put the gun
away and made supper.

I am likeable enough when I've eaten.

I almost heard him once
when he was retracing his steps
through the years,
but then my stomach began to growl
and it drowned him
in blood.

I could only tell with my eyes closed....these one-liners did little for me, personally; I actually felt like I got more from the poem without them

When he started trying to impress me,
I knew he would expose me if he could.

He stood up and belched out guffaws ...read through this a few more times, and I think this stanza actually could make for a good introduction for the poem. it is clear, understandable, and interesting
saying once he had run with outlaws
barely escaping with his life
more than once.
He never beat his chest with his fists,
only with his mouth.

If they knew what he knew, I couldn't take my time.

We sat on his bed,
I dreamed of the very near future
in specific detail. Each layer sprinkled
with his incessant babbling.

He played a song for me.
I annoyed him when I scratched the strings.
While he played, for the first time
I heard him clearly.

His hand brushed my leg;
we tried not to notice. ...really liked this note

He was done with me then. ...how did you know?
My disinterest had burned his mouth shut..you start to show, but not before telling too much
so he guarded the beans,...like this line. how do you know he was sullen? what did he do? lower his eyes? his mouth? avoid eye contact?
sullen.

He would be tough, but I have strong teeth.

I was out of my chair
when he was still grumbling.
Careful aim
congratulated his face
with the old box guitar.

Sadly, the dreadnaught was completely ruined.

one note I had was that the subjects of most of your verbs are I's, We's, and His's ____.
I think by mixing it up a little bit, finding other subjects for your verbs, it will make the piece feel slightly less like a linear story. as is, there is a lot of "He did this, so I did this"

hopefully this helps. thanks for the read man