Sometimes I Bleed

[Todd]

Hi Craig,

What this has going for it is that it's interesting. I like the capitalized event: The Still

If I were to give you some general things to think about I would look at your line breaks (I'm not trying to make your lines too long so don't take this as a rewrite suggestion more of just something to think about).

Notice on L1 where you break on slipped. That's a reasonable break on a strong verb. Sky slipped sounds cool. That said, if you reworked the line by pulling up through the haze (you may choose to rework a few elements if that makes it too long for you) you would give the reader a sense of a hazy sky and the haze of sleep. That break would add a layer to your poem.

I would also caution you on breaks on articles like "the". Those breaks tend to feel choppy and are less effective than when you are breaking on strong nouns or verbs.

You some great word choices / phrasing throughout (i.e., cerulean glass, heat ablating, doe eyes).

I think you had a typo on untethered, and there were a few lines where I think you had words you could cut without sacrificing anything (meaning it seemed like there were filler words). I suggest going through and asking yourself if the line works without a given word and if you think it does cut appropriately.

Nice to see your post.

Hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

The Still I remember, when the sky slipped
through the haze of my slumber and the cerulean
glass exposed from the mist offered reprieve
from heat ablating my skin.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
trinket unteathered on unrelenting hardness
of driftwood. I closed my eyes back to the
comfort of my dream, no avail.. endless drifting,
the ocean lapping my vessel.

I fear the water reflecting faces, legends of
wise men and mercy staining my bones. I long
for human touch, the glow of a fresh lit hearth
over ice cream sundaes and doe eyes pining in
vain. I ponder the servitude.

I struggled the edge, occasionally relenting
to my weight and sometimes I bled. I could smell
the dried crust over my wounds and the fire from
salt washing it away. A deed that would test A
common man, until only an echo remains.

Here.. buoyant and embryotic I drift, shadows
no longer search above, the animations of their wake
have long subdued. With all hope lost as I am,
may my lonliness... be their pain.

**This is the first thing I have written since the last piece I posted,
but I am thick skinned so do not be afraid to throw stones and tell
me to get a real job.