Sometimes I Bleed

[ckeo]

i loved the enjambment on cerulean, which is also a word that is one of special animals. (yes i know it pertains to blue and not tiger)
should it be (remained) past tense
i think you could add a few comma's without doing any harm.

Yes, I love the word "cerulean" it is somewhat hypnotic.
As for "remained", it was initially until I discovered a recent poem posted by Todd and eerily we had the exact same line so I had changed it.

first off it's in the mild crit so we can't do an in depth on it. 2nd i'm not sure an in depth would find that much in need of an edit.

If you feel this would be better served in the dragons den, then by all means feel free to move it.

while i like it and love some of the word choices, it feels a little too dramatic, even though it is a dramatic poem it just feels a tad overly so to me.

i'd see if i could lose a few of the I's

the poem itself reads really well. an odd thing is almost cliche but gets away with not being so. i really enjoy the read. it had a good logical progression through the poem and some good images.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
was a great line that began the story proper (though the enjambment feels a bit off. ) if written as leather bound it would work much better and the enjambment problem would vanish.

thanks for the read

Yes, it is a tad dramatic and that issue has been a struggle,
I am not quite there yet experience wise to strike a balance
or even to know what balanced is... but I am reflecting on it
and toying with the idea of interspersing a stanza or two
of reminiscing back on happy points in his life to draw the reader
into a system of wavering emotions, I am not sure I can pull that off.

I have whittled it down considerably "i" wise but still feel the frequency
is a little too much. I expect to go through a few revisions before this one is complete and will look for ways to reduce it.

Did you mean:
"Serving salinity I lay there, A leather bound
trinket untethered on unrelenting hardness"
or
"Serving salinity I lay there, A leather
bound trinket untethered on unrelenting
hardness"

Billy, your comments were generous and I welcome them,
I am trying to convince myself that this piece is far removed from my previous efforts and I'd like to tell everyone that y'all havnt been pulling yer hair out while reading my stuff for nothing... I have been learning something. (whether that is evident or not).