03-01-2012, 02:40 PM
i loved the enjambment on cerulean, which is also a word that is one of special animals. (yes i know it pertains to blue and not tiger)
should it be (remained) past tense
i think you could add a few comma's without doing any harm.
first off it's in the mild crit so we can't do an in depth on it. 2nd i'm not sure an in depth would find that much in need of an edit.
while i like it and love some of the word choices, it feels a little too dramatic, even though it is a dramatic poem it just feels a tad overly so to me.
i'd see if i could lose a few of the I's
the poem itself reads really well. an odd thing is almost cliche but gets away with not being so. i really enjoy the read. it had a good logical progression through the poem and some good images.
Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
was a great line that began the story proper (though the enjambment feels a bit off. ) if written as leather bound it would work much better and the enjambment problem would vanish.
thanks for the read
should it be (remained) past tense
i think you could add a few comma's without doing any harm.
first off it's in the mild crit so we can't do an in depth on it. 2nd i'm not sure an in depth would find that much in need of an edit.
while i like it and love some of the word choices, it feels a little too dramatic, even though it is a dramatic poem it just feels a tad overly so to me.
i'd see if i could lose a few of the I's
the poem itself reads really well. an odd thing is almost cliche but gets away with not being so. i really enjoy the read. it had a good logical progression through the poem and some good images.
Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
was a great line that began the story proper (though the enjambment feels a bit off. ) if written as leather bound it would work much better and the enjambment problem would vanish.
thanks for the read