02-18-2012, 05:25 AM
thanks for the feedback all
hopefully, the edit, clears some things (I certainly understand it was more cryptic than I intended) and adjusts the organization for the better. in terms of lines, I think i'll keep them short for now.
really found all of the suggestions useful, and hope they have yielded a stronger result. billy, I hope the addition of a stanza makes the order of the poem stronger, as well as the changes I made to some of the starting lines, though I'm not sure they are enough.
todd- I want the father alive in the piece and hope that succeeds a little better now. I think fastened works better now without the mentioning of the door in the 1st stanza. also, I think fallen may work better now as well, as I would like to save it if possible. I did add a second setting, but I think that it contributes to the whole.
tec- i'm working on the piece, though I'm not sure it's getting closer to a form that you would like to see. i hope that the confusion lessens as the read goes to the finish, though perhaps it is still too vague/ unrevealing
hopefully, the edit, clears some things (I certainly understand it was more cryptic than I intended) and adjusts the organization for the better. in terms of lines, I think i'll keep them short for now.
really found all of the suggestions useful, and hope they have yielded a stronger result. billy, I hope the addition of a stanza makes the order of the poem stronger, as well as the changes I made to some of the starting lines, though I'm not sure they are enough.
todd- I want the father alive in the piece and hope that succeeds a little better now. I think fastened works better now without the mentioning of the door in the 1st stanza. also, I think fallen may work better now as well, as I would like to save it if possible. I did add a second setting, but I think that it contributes to the whole.
tec- i'm working on the piece, though I'm not sure it's getting closer to a form that you would like to see. i hope that the confusion lessens as the read goes to the finish, though perhaps it is still too vague/ unrevealing
Written only for you to consider.