Father's Day

[Todd]

Hi Philatone,

Interesting scene. My interpretation may be off, but I'll share my thoughts with you about the poem:

the phone call--This is a very debatable point, and I'm not even saying it's more correct than the choice you made. The way I read this poem though Father's Day provides the context (it is in a way the bomb) and "the phone call" is the fuse that lights that bomb. This could again just be my own sensibilities but I'd be tempted to see you alter the title to take into account both expositional elements (something like: "The Phone Call on Father's Day") and then move directly to a more action oriented line two.
that sent you
into the bathroom
and turned on the water--should this be "to turn on the water" otherwise it sounds like the phone call is turning the water on
has died, leaving us--great line, and great lead up to the next two lines
separated by echoes
of a tub and bolted door.--while the person doesn't have to be dead these last few lines point to the separation of death. There is a part of me that would like to see you rework the line order to end on separated by echoes (I realize that's tough with how you've fixed the tub in the scene, but it would hang more powerfully at the end of the strophe). This echoes idea also resonates with your later comments on the memories and the photograph. It's about what remains when there aren't words but there is still connection. You may even want to consider pushing the idea more throughout the poem--that said, these things don't always work if forced too much and I think your balance of them is pretty good right now.

Now, in a broader sense presumably the "father" behind the door has received a call that has shaken them (one imagines an estranged child)...As the time progresses in the poem they may be dead or simply unwilling to exit the room--I'm undecided from the text.

Here we are,
our plates being washed at a restaurant,--The restaurant shifts things a bit. If the family left the father at home, he is presumably alive. It does take away some of the tension that being in the same home as the father would bring. Even if it's true to an actual narrrative, I'd be tempted to keep the action in one setting to maintain that tension.
our cards fallen on the counter,--Fallen might work here if we are personifying that the cards are striken in a way. As they are presumably still in envelopes unopened, it may be too strong of a word choice--again debatable. Counter seems a little off too. Is this a bar in the restaurant? It gives the sense of a diner to me. It could just be me.
with nothing to say;

no words
to break a fastened lock--Is fastened really necessary when we know the bolt has been thrown. I realize it sort of balances the phrasing with round keyhole. My problem is that it seems too much of a filler word for what it brings to the poem
or sliver through
a round keyhole--Here's where we can look at the locked door as a metaphor for the father's emotional distance from the family.

until mother orders me
to dust grandfather's photograph
with a rag that cannot take away
the cane that waited
at his side, or how grey
his hair had become;--This is a really cool idea of wiping away the years and the infirmities. I wonder if you'd consider rephrasing the last two lines so that you didn't need the repetion of grey in the next strophe. ...or how his hair
had become grey

as memories...

grey as memories
that spill from a faucet
with steam too considerate
to hide your reflection.--Poignant solid ending.

I enjoyed the read. I hope my comments will be helpful to you in some way.

Best,

Todd