02-06-2012, 04:02 AM
I like the italics; bring in more of a distinction.
when I look at this:
it does read in a slightly clunkier way than the other sentiments you've expressed rather well. you know what you want to say; I think your execution could be more concise--specifically, the "Sound of a prayer for light to see". Also, "Aware that I'm blind"--rather than telling me that you're blind, can you show it somehow? give me an example of something you do, or can't do without sight? ("sound" also felt a little vague to me; how about "Echo" or "whispers"? Just an idea)
I like the second half of the poem because it has that great transition; I really could imagine the race and the gun going off. That allows the stanza to break away to more abstract ideas, since it already has a base. I think having another 'anchor image' of sorts could strengthen the first half of the piece
when I look at this:
Quote:Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind
it does read in a slightly clunkier way than the other sentiments you've expressed rather well. you know what you want to say; I think your execution could be more concise--specifically, the "Sound of a prayer for light to see". Also, "Aware that I'm blind"--rather than telling me that you're blind, can you show it somehow? give me an example of something you do, or can't do without sight? ("sound" also felt a little vague to me; how about "Echo" or "whispers"? Just an idea)
I like the second half of the poem because it has that great transition; I really could imagine the race and the gun going off. That allows the stanza to break away to more abstract ideas, since it already has a base. I think having another 'anchor image' of sorts could strengthen the first half of the piece
Written only for you to consider.