02-05-2012, 11:40 PM
Okay man, this is pretty neat stuff. I see that you were going for a specific formatting. This software doesn't support duplicate spacing- refer to this tutorial to understand the tags. I took the liberty of reproducing your layout:
Thanks for sharing.
(02-04-2012, 02:21 PM)Philatone Wrote: I was going to openI like it, but as evidenced by my notes I'm not sure that I am getting it. Rather than tell you what to change (cause I don't even know if it needs changing) I just wrote what I was thinking when I read it. Overall I'd have to say I like the style of it, but I'm not sure if I'm getting it.
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;
--I like the opening talking about openings, that's clever and a good way to get attention immediately. I did spend quite a bit of time working through the meanings here, but that's more due to my novitiate status than anything I'm sure.
but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:
--I think maybe these two stanzas need a bridge. At this point I'm like, 'definition of what? Digger? Plunger?' :p Seriously though . . .
to dig,
or plunge,
with its roots
nestled in a French countryside;
yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
[ind] some in ties and skirts, --are you saying like fancy words? or fancy envelopes?
[ind] some with smiling mothers,
[ind] others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,
lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad; -- so you're stalking introductions? Fourth time through and I'm just getting started. This is either highly layered or I am just really dumb at this
when finally, I heard enough
like a jury in a courtroom.
Let us begin
with a moment of silence. --decided to just 'open' with nothing?
No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.
Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,
the fire before
the candle,
the dust before
the polish;
a quiet opening
that winds
to a softer,
softened --the end was already softened, but this makes it softer? Is this like a funeral or something? It sounds like you are talking about the passing of someone and how to open the service/sermon?
end.
Thanks for sharing.


