Entrance
#4
Okay man, this is pretty neat stuff. I see that you were going for a specific formatting. This software doesn't support duplicate spacing- refer to this tutorial to understand the tags. I took the liberty of reproducing your layout:

(02-04-2012, 02:21 PM)Philatone Wrote:  I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

--I like the opening talking about openings, that's clever and a good way to get attention immediately. I did spend quite a bit of time working through the meanings here, but that's more due to my novitiate status than anything I'm sure.

but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

--I think maybe these two stanzas need a bridge. At this point I'm like, 'definition of what? Digger? Plunger?' :p Seriously though . . .

to dig,
or plunge,
with its roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
[ind] some in ties and skirts, --are you saying like fancy words? or fancy envelopes?
[ind] some with smiling mothers,
[ind] others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad; -- so you're stalking introductions? Fourth time through and I'm just getting started. This is either highly layered or I am just really dumb at this Big Grin

when finally, I heard enough
like a jury in a courtroom.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence. --decided to just 'open' with nothing?

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the fire before
the candle,

the dust before
the polish;

a quiet opening
that winds
to a softer,
softened --the end was already softened, but this makes it softer? Is this like a funeral or something? It sounds like you are talking about the passing of someone and how to open the service/sermon?
end.
I like it, but as evidenced by my notes I'm not sure that I am getting it. Rather than tell you what to change (cause I don't even know if it needs changing) I just wrote what I was thinking when I read it. Overall I'd have to say I like the style of it, but I'm not sure if I'm getting it.

Thanks for sharing. Smile
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Entrance - by Philatone - 02-04-2012, 02:21 PM
RE: Entrance - by Erthona - 02-05-2012, 05:17 PM
RE: Entrance - by billy - 02-05-2012, 09:28 PM
RE: Entrance - by Wildcard - 02-05-2012, 11:40 PM
RE: Entrance - by Philatone - 02-06-2012, 04:52 AM
RE: Entrance - by tectak - 02-09-2012, 08:25 AM
RE: Entrance - by billy - 02-09-2012, 06:02 PM
RE: Entrance - by Philatone - 02-09-2012, 03:03 PM
RE: Entrance - by tectak - 02-12-2012, 09:38 AM
RE: Entrance - by tectak - 02-15-2012, 09:52 PM
RE: Entrance - by heslopian - 02-10-2012, 06:31 PM
RE: Entrance - by Todd - 02-16-2012, 01:45 AM
RE: Entrance - by Philatone - 02-16-2012, 04:50 AM
RE: Entrance - by ellajam - 06-07-2014, 09:46 PM
RE: Entrance - by trueenigma - 06-08-2014, 04:02 AM
RE: Entrance - by poe - 06-28-2014, 09:34 AM



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