01-15-2012, 07:38 PM
Billy
for me the 1st feels a little weak as an opening line
just a suggestion but would the open verse work better in this order;
L3
L4
L2
L1
i just thing "you had tommy ray splayed" is a great line and has lots of strength
It would have to be 3412, but it would need some tinkering. It also brings up it's own problems, although I do like "you had “Tommy Ray” splayed," as a first line. I think I will have to pay with that for a while at some future point.
Dale
for me the 1st feels a little weak as an opening line
just a suggestion but would the open verse work better in this order;
L3
L4
L2
L1
i just thing "you had tommy ray splayed" is a great line and has lots of strength
It would have to be 3412, but it would need some tinkering. It also brings up it's own problems, although I do like "you had “Tommy Ray” splayed," as a first line. I think I will have to pay with that for a while at some future point.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.