Love Tat

[billy]

Thinking that he was the one feels a little weak as an opening line
—although now a long time gone—
you had “Tommy Ray” splayed,
close over the entrance to the “Y”.
for me the 1st feels a little weak as an opening line
just a suggestion but would the open verse work better in this order;
L3
L4
L2
L1
i just thing "you had tommy ray splayed" is a great line and has lots of strength

A green metallic blob gone painfully wrong
on the inside of the thigh.

“It could be a dragon?”

Then for kicks, at the waist, in back, for me this line feels a bit redundant, you could put then at the beginning of the next line and it would read the same
—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack” i like the idea of this it works on a couple of levels.
…with an arrow pointing down?

Hurt less at the time—but more now good insite
from the lack of clear thought—
because you’d blown a hundred beforehand,
so that you, and your three closest friends
could get extremely high!
All you could do later was shake your head,
and silently ask yourself, is yourself needed?
“why, god damn it, why?”
…while at the end of stiff arms you squeezed
your hands into tiny balls of regret. great two lines. the image the emotion is large

You’re a Big Girl ain’t cha?
Never let ‘em see you cry,
never let ‘em know that you could die,
from self-inflicted embarrassment,
at this overt display of your best, this and the nest line feel parent harsh, i like it
better judgement.
They laugh at you and point,
holding their sides and starting to cry.
You pretend to try and smile,
while remembering how you
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of your innocence:
thinking yourself so very clever!

Love is fleeting; tattoos are forever!


©2012 ~Erthona


Note: This one is very raw. Give it a good raking over the coals.
Thankee kindly!

Dale

i get the impression specially from the last verse that it's a parent daughter thing but it's good enough that it could also be self flagellation i think many with tats will relate to this if they're older. i have some i wish i hadn't done. though it may be worse for women. (i'm not sure how their minds work) from my POV tats on oldies look worse on wrinkly women oldies hehe.

the above are just a few suggestions for you to look at.
i enjoyed the poem and found it to be solid.

i don't think girls with tats look like sluts, if so they'd all be sluts and that ain't so. i think often it's peer drink and drugs. and worse of all...love. the attempt to hold something forever by indelibly inscribing their name on your skin

thanks for the read dale.

doing this was so hard cos i have screaming kids and loud music throbbing inside my head