12-28-2011, 01:48 PM
"what if I switch some of the lines around?
Closely gathered in corners of his bed-sitting room
unclaimed, unwritten words
wait for life,"
The problem for me was that you broke the line at "words", leaving this kind of strange phrase by itself
"unclaimed, unwritten words"
instead of just making it one line as
"unclaimed, unwritten words wait for life."
But this way does seem to read smoother.
Now that I think about it the "bed-sitting room" phrase may have been more what through me off. Is that an actual phrase used somewhere.
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Dale
Closely gathered in corners of his bed-sitting room
unclaimed, unwritten words
wait for life,"
The problem for me was that you broke the line at "words", leaving this kind of strange phrase by itself
"unclaimed, unwritten words"
instead of just making it one line as
"unclaimed, unwritten words wait for life."
But this way does seem to read smoother.
Now that I think about it the "bed-sitting room" phrase may have been more what through me off. Is that an actual phrase used somewhere.
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Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.