Holidaying in Borth

[grannyjill]

No sea-front, no vista, no view
the buildings crouch
behind monolithic cubes (huge - removed)
seeking shelter from bullying seas. bully-boy

Gnarled cottages with rooms to let,
guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs.
Tatty souvenir shops and penny arcades
sad caffs with ersatz tomato sauce
and melamine tables bolted to the floors.
Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants
with scribbled menus taped to their doors.

'Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again
Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again'.

Edges of childhood. Bucket'n'spade days.
Cut-price holidays, out of season.
Empty promenade, discarded chip-papers (memories removed/rewrite)
screaming seagulls and deserted beaches,
walking in the dismal drizzle of the rain.
----------------------------------------

No sea-front, no vista, no view
the buildings crouch
behind huge monolithic cubes
seeking shelter from bully-boy seas.

Gnarled cottages with rooms to let,
guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs.
Tatty souvenir shops and penny arcades
sad caffs with ersatz tomato sauce
and melamine tables bolted to the floors.
Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants
with scribbled menus taped to their doors.

'Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again
Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again'.

Edges of childhood. Bucket'n'spade days.
Cut-price holidays, out of season.
Memories of an empty promenade,
screaming seagulls and deserted beaches,
walking in the dismal drizzle of the rain.


This is a poem referred to in another thread, which originally began as Higgledy piggledy houses
painted all colours and hues....lines which were removed

Borth is a small town in Wales.
Edit - I know the whole verse is 'telly' but I didn't know about such things when I wrote this!

[addy]

I love the picture you painted! So affecting, even down to the almost-tacky details (I loved "Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants; with scribbled menus taped to their doors") that really bring the somber simplicity to life. You've got the mood down pat. There's lots of images, too, so I didn't feel it was too telly.

I could only suggest that in L3 of the first verse, you get rid of "huge" since its pretty much redundant. Just a minor critique, though

[rayheinrich]

Liked the poem (ok, maybe not "bully-boy seas").
I especially liked the restaurants. It definitely contains
enough imagery to escape "telly". Personally, I think "telly"
ain't that bad. Writers that get caught up in the "show,
don't tell" thing often end up sounding like salesmen.
Telling imparts an intimacy that showing can't.

[billy]

No sea-front, no vista, no view
the buildings crouch
behind huge monolithic cubes
seeking shelter from bully-boy seas.

Gnarled cottages with rooms to let,
guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs.
Tatty souvenir shops and penny arcades
sad caffs with ersatz tomato sauce
and melamine tables bolted to the floors.
Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants
with scribbled menus taped to their doors.

'Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again
Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again'.

Edges of childhood. Bucket'n'spade days.
Cut-price holidays, out of season.
Memories of an empty promenade,
screaming seagulls and deserted beaches,
walking in the dismal drizzle of the rain.


This is a poem referred to in another thread, which originally began as Higgledy piggledy houses
painted all colours and hues....lines which were removed

Borth is a small town in Wales.
Edit - I know the whole verse is 'telly' but I didn't know about such things when I wrote this!

it's a bit telly but the poem is the poem because it i think it needs to be telly. some poem need the tell to come alive. i've been to this place you speak of an a hundred places like it. some of the tell gives an imagery that's been comon in my life, as a child and as an adult.
ray and addy made a point i'd have mentioned with huge.
i like the happy days song snippet, it dates the poem and gives it a lot of depth. i don't think you need to tell the reader about it being end of childhood, same with the 'memories of' it's much nicer to realise the nostalgia for what it is. i really enjoyed the place where this took me to , thank you.

[grannyjill]

I have incorporated as many of the suggestions as I can - I like 'edges of childhood' however, so I am hanging on to that.

Thanks everyone.

[rayheinrich]

I have incorporated as many of the suggestions as I can - I like 'edges of childhood' however, so I am hanging on to that.

And there she is, hanging on to her edges of childhood...
(Good phrase, I wish you luck, I have tried but...)

[billy]

I have incorporated as many of the suggestions as I can - I like 'edges of childhood' however, so I am hanging on to that.

Thanks everyone.

you hanger on you hehe.

[Wildcard]

Hi Jill,
Playing catchup isn't exactly easy around here! You've done somethin here that I have never been able to figure out: Walking the fine line between narrative and being too telly.

Reading along, I felt a little disoriented by the last line. Everything seems nostalgic, but the last line seems purposefully dreary- maybe that was the intent but imo it just doesn't quite fit. Of course I have been wrong before.

Thanks for sharing

[Erthona]

GJ,

This is a nice word painting. There are places that I could use more description. The tomato sauce seems a tad generic. Below are most suggestions for purposes of rhythm or alliteration, sometimes both. Purely personal, I think I would put the song last, it just seems disruptive where it is, but then again, I am not a fan of it, so.... However, except for the last line, most of these are stylistic choices, and may, or may not be better than what you have.

Dale
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

No sea-front, no vista, no view
the buildings crouch
behind monolithic cubes ("colossal cubes" Monolithic throws off the rhythm)
seeking shelter from bullying seas. (strong-arm seas) Personally I like searching seas, but I put strong-arm seas because it is most like bullying.

(these two lines seem as though
they should be reversed)
Gnarled cottages with rooms to let,
guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs.

"Guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs,
Gnarled cottages with rooms to be let."
Tatty souvenir shops and penny arcades
sad caffs with ersatz tomato sauce
and melamine tables bolted to the floors.
Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants
with scribbled menus taped to their doors.
(Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants:
scribbled menus taped to their doors.)

'Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again
Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again'.

Edges of childhood. Bucket'n'spade days. (Sand castle days)
Cut-price holidays, out of season.
Empty promenade, discarded chip-papers (Maybe need an article "An")
screaming seagulls and deserted beaches,
walking in the dismal drizzle of the rain.
(Who is it that is walking in the rain?)

or

Edges of childhood, sand castle days,
out of season here on cut-price holidays.
Empty promenades, discarded chip-papers,
seagulls screaming along deserted beaches.
(I'm?/ They're?) walking in the dismal drizzle of rain.

(Personally, I would stay in third person here)

[grannyjill]

Thanks, Mark - my nostalgia is firmly anchored in 'dreary' ! The whole verse is supposed to be showing you a place which is boring, cold, wind-swept, bleak, etc. the Happy days are here again is ironic. It is a song which was very popular when I was a child....but those days were far from happy.

Erth - you have some good suggestions here, 'colossal' does work better than 'monolithic' although that does suggest a slightly different meaning. I like 'sand castle days' very much but, I also like 'bucket'n'spade days.....so, I will use your phrase in another poem. An empty promenade - yep, you're right.

The last verse I'll keep as it is, as I want to maintain the sense of ticking off a list...a sort of precis of the whole experience (and leaving it for the reader to fill in the 'who' of it all)

Thank you both for your interest and input.