12-27-2011, 10:53 PM
I like your input....what if I switch some of the lines around?
Closely gathered in corners of his bed-sitting room
unclaimed, unwritten words
wait for life,
Actually, I like the swap, whether it overcomes the metaphor problem or not.
Also with the old title - the first line of the poem becomes a continuation of it
When a poet dies
There is nothing.....which works a bit better I think (I am imagining a vacuum...a space where he used to be...that kind of thing)
As to the ending - I like your suggestion, too - though I was happy to end where I did end...like a Shakespearean sonnet with a rhyming couplet, but you have provided another rhyming couplet...so I am torn with indecision....I think I'm going to accept your suggestion it is very good.
Closely gathered in corners of his bed-sitting room
unclaimed, unwritten words
wait for life,
Actually, I like the swap, whether it overcomes the metaphor problem or not.
Also with the old title - the first line of the poem becomes a continuation of it
When a poet dies
There is nothing.....which works a bit better I think (I am imagining a vacuum...a space where he used to be...that kind of thing)
As to the ending - I like your suggestion, too - though I was happy to end where I did end...like a Shakespearean sonnet with a rhyming couplet, but you have provided another rhyming couplet...so I am torn with indecision....I think I'm going to accept your suggestion it is very good.